Trauma Mama Daily Affirmation - Day 7
What can I do at this moment to improve my connection with my child?
What behaviors on this list can you relate to?
I could go on all day here.
The answer to all of them is not "I must get my child to change his behavior." The answer to each is found in the question, "What can I do at this moment (of dysregulation) to improve my connection with my child?"
And a lot of it is found in my first affirmation, "Let it go."
Right now is the time for building a sense of feeling safe and trusting that he can be safe here in this home, in this family. So demanding that chores get done -- it's time to step back. Most time he does them without reminding. I praise those times. Every time. And he makes his bed every.single.day without complaint or balking. If I walk by while he's making his bed, I step into his room and help him. It always gets me a smile. That building connection.
Doesn't like bananas anymore? Let it go.
Wants a toy every time we go to a store. That's a tough one. I need to remember to set the expectation with the announcement that we are going to a store that this trip is not for him to get a toy. And then be prepared to do a lot of empathizing that yes, it would be really nice if he could have a new toy this time. And yes, I understand he's angry that he can't have one. This one is still a work in progress.
He got me to cave one time because it was a book, not a toy. Now he thinks if he starts by asking for a toy and then switches to asking for a book, I'm going to say yes. So now I'm working the library angle. "You don't have enough room on your shelves for all the books you already have. Books are great! I love that you love to read. The library will be open on Monday --- if you want a book to read, I'll take you then."
He reminded me yesterday, trust me. But then his street hockey crew came over with sticks and nets, and the library became chopped liver.
Yucky medicine. This one is funny. I start out with, "Let me tell you everything you're going to say. You don't like this medicine." He immediately cuts in with "I LOVE that medicine."
"You hate the taste of it."
"I LOVE the taste of it!"
"You wish you didn't have to take it."
"I WANT to take it."
"Okay, here it is."
And then I get his entire "I hate this medicine litany." And I nod and I empathize and I repeat back to him what I hear him saying, even though I said it all before even handing him the medicine. And then I bribe him with soda. Soda is a rare treat in this house, so getting a shot of soda post-medicine is that old spoonful of sugar helping the medicine go down. It beats having to turn into General Patton and YELL at him to JUST DO AS YOU'RE TOLD AND TAKE YOUR MEDICINE!" He likes getting the soda treat, as much complaining as we get before he gets to it.
Sometimes the action is to just listen. Sometimes it's to just be present. Sometimes it's letting him yell or stomp or slam his door, and validating that he's letting me know he's angry. Sometimes it's lowering my expectations. Sometimes it's not caring if he jumps on the couch. Who's that hurting, anyway? What matters more: the hand-me-down couch or my relationship with my child?
Sometimes it's finding out why he's wiggling instead of just crabbing at him to stop wiggling. Maybe it's getting him that cool sensory device to sit on that I hear works wonders in greatly reducing wiggling.
But whatever the behavior/words I'm dealing with, before I respond -- usually, I'm not perfect at this -- I take a breath and think, "What can I do right now to improve my connection with my child?"
What can I do today to improve my connection with my child?
What behaviors on this list can you relate to?
- Wiggly, squiggly at the dinner table
- Jumps over the arm of the couch to get on the couch
- Refuses to wear the coat that fits because the coat the doesn't fit and that he didn't like because "it's too puffy" at the beginning of the year is suddenly now his favorite coat
- Refuses to eat some food that he has always loved, loved, loved because now suddenly he "never like bananas"
- Endlessly atonally humming three notes or verbally repeating a two-word phrase
- Doesn't want to do chores
- Why should he have to set the table?
- Wants Mom to buy him a toy every time we set foot in a store -- any store
- Doesn't want to do homework
- Takes 45 minutes to get ready for school when he could be ready in 15 minutes
- Doesn't want to take the yucky medicine
- Sassy, mouthy, doesn't use polite words
I could go on all day here.
The answer to all of them is not "I must get my child to change his behavior." The answer to each is found in the question, "What can I do at this moment (of dysregulation) to improve my connection with my child?"
And a lot of it is found in my first affirmation, "Let it go."
Right now is the time for building a sense of feeling safe and trusting that he can be safe here in this home, in this family. So demanding that chores get done -- it's time to step back. Most time he does them without reminding. I praise those times. Every time. And he makes his bed every.single.day without complaint or balking. If I walk by while he's making his bed, I step into his room and help him. It always gets me a smile. That building connection.
Doesn't like bananas anymore? Let it go.
Wants a toy every time we go to a store. That's a tough one. I need to remember to set the expectation with the announcement that we are going to a store that this trip is not for him to get a toy. And then be prepared to do a lot of empathizing that yes, it would be really nice if he could have a new toy this time. And yes, I understand he's angry that he can't have one. This one is still a work in progress.
He got me to cave one time because it was a book, not a toy. Now he thinks if he starts by asking for a toy and then switches to asking for a book, I'm going to say yes. So now I'm working the library angle. "You don't have enough room on your shelves for all the books you already have. Books are great! I love that you love to read. The library will be open on Monday --- if you want a book to read, I'll take you then."
He reminded me yesterday, trust me. But then his street hockey crew came over with sticks and nets, and the library became chopped liver.
Yucky medicine. This one is funny. I start out with, "Let me tell you everything you're going to say. You don't like this medicine." He immediately cuts in with "I LOVE that medicine."
"You hate the taste of it."
"I LOVE the taste of it!"
"You wish you didn't have to take it."
"I WANT to take it."
"Okay, here it is."
And then I get his entire "I hate this medicine litany." And I nod and I empathize and I repeat back to him what I hear him saying, even though I said it all before even handing him the medicine. And then I bribe him with soda. Soda is a rare treat in this house, so getting a shot of soda post-medicine is that old spoonful of sugar helping the medicine go down. It beats having to turn into General Patton and YELL at him to JUST DO AS YOU'RE TOLD AND TAKE YOUR MEDICINE!" He likes getting the soda treat, as much complaining as we get before he gets to it.
Sometimes the action is to just listen. Sometimes it's to just be present. Sometimes it's letting him yell or stomp or slam his door, and validating that he's letting me know he's angry. Sometimes it's lowering my expectations. Sometimes it's not caring if he jumps on the couch. Who's that hurting, anyway? What matters more: the hand-me-down couch or my relationship with my child?
Sometimes it's finding out why he's wiggling instead of just crabbing at him to stop wiggling. Maybe it's getting him that cool sensory device to sit on that I hear works wonders in greatly reducing wiggling.
But whatever the behavior/words I'm dealing with, before I respond -- usually, I'm not perfect at this -- I take a breath and think, "What can I do right now to improve my connection with my child?"
What can I do today to improve my connection with my child?
Okay, I need to start checking here before I speak to my son in the mornings. Inspired to tackle the afternoon more constructively and connect. Yelling and issuing orders did NOT get us to school on time or help connection. (But seriously, when I asked him to walk down the stairs, he went down three steps and announced he had gone down three steps, that was good enough. Um, no... the front door is all the way down the stairs, argh!!)
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