Disposable People

My ex husband struggles with relationships, and was emotionally and verbally abusive to me, the woman before me, and the woman after me, and no doubt to the woman he is currently with.

He believes himself to be smarter than everyone else, and if you disagree with him, you are just stupid. He's not afraid to treat people that way. It's made it impossible for him to hold a job, to retain employees at his not-for-profit organization, and maintain personal relationships. Even his own brother didn't speak to him for years.

I once said to him, "If you are saying one thing and every one else you talk to is telling you that the opposite is true, what does that say to you?" Wrong question to ask. It means, I was told with plenty of accompanying screaming, that he is right and everyone else was wrong, and if I can't see that, I'm just stupid. He spent our entire marriage crowing about his IQ and how much smarter that made him than me. He never bothered to find out mine. Might have been a wee bit of a surprise for him.

His reaction to losing friends over that general life attitude? "Disposable people," he would call them. He wasn't fazed. Friends could be replaced. 

Today I posted something on my Facebook page about how the school rearranging the daily routine so the fourth graders could take practice state testing had made T come unglued at home. A friend of mine -- we'll call him Pitter Patter -- from high school responded with a comment about "Commie Core." Make no mistake, he totally blames "libtards" (his word) for Common Core. He's so brilliant he home schooled his kids for high school and they went on to have brilliant GPAs in college. Starting to sound familiar?

I have no love for Common Core or relentless standardized testing that stresses out kids, teachers, and parents. I'm outraged that our state made an agreement with the Common Core testing company to provide that corporation with personal data with identifying information (including name and school) about the students taking the tests, including their scores and their grades. 

I have a zillion Facebook friends who are teachers. One wrote back to politely rebuff Pitter Patter's assertions. I don't think he was way off target other than the political spin he put on it and I don't think she was totally disagreeing with him, but she did mention that she is a teacher in a non-Common Core state, and not to blame Common Core for all the woes in public schools.

He responded abrasively and upped the political rhetoric. A couple of other teacher friends chimed in to support Friend #1 and also provide their take on Common Core, since they deal with it every day. 

I left the conversation at that point, busy day at work, but after an hour or so, I got a text from my niece which stated, "Your friend is an ignorant (expletive deleted)." 

Cripes. I jumped back on to see what was going on and I was horrified. Pitter Patter had hijacked my original post and turned it into a Glenn Beck worshipping, liberal-bashing forum. And called Friend #1 a "libtard." You know, I don't even know her political leanings. But I do know that any word that uses part of the word "retard" as its root just puts me over the edge. People don't ask to be born with limited learning capacities. People don't ask to have accidental head injuries that make it difficult for them to learn or retain information. Children are born every day with serious developmental delays because of choices their parents made regarding drug and alcohol use during pregnancy. So don't use part of the word "retard" as a slur. Because you and your loved ones are one car accident or slip on black ice away from having limited brain function. 

What to do? Pitter Patter defriended me once before because I disagreed with him during an important election season. We agreed after a while to let bygones be bygones and became FB friends again. So I hesitated to stir the pot again. 

But he had hijacked my post. I didn't take him to task publicly -- until now. I sent him a private message and told him that people should be able to disagree with each other, but the conversation needed to remain civil, and name calling is never productive. I told him I understood he has strong political views and he's free to post them on his Facebook page, but to please not hijack my page to insult my friends. 

"Hey I call 'em as I see 'em," he responded. He was just pointing out facts that closed minded people were refusing to see. And then he continued, "If you have a problem with that then we can part ways, and I can defriend you second time. No skin off my nose, really."

And before I could respond, he did exactly that. 

I'm sad because he was my friend. I'm Facebook friends with a lot of people from high school who I wasn't friends with in high school. I was the shy new kid who had a wardrobe of five outdated hand-me-down outfits. I was in the accelerated classes and that is the kiss of nerd death. Time has a way of erasing those barriers and at a small "reunion" this summer, I had a blast talking with people I barely knew in high school. They are good people. It was nice to get to know them. But Pitter Patter is someone I was actually friends with back then. We were both on the track team. There is a camaraderie in running twelve 300-yard repeats, and rooting on your teammates through their races, celebrating their successes and commiserating with their hamstring pulls. 

And because the girls' team was too small to have our own bus, and the boys team filled up a bus, the girls had to sit on the boys' laps to get to and from meets. Wow, that would never happen these days. But we all thought it was great fun.

He was a guy I could talk to without being completely tongue tied. He was happy, friendly, smiling, funny.

It was his end of the indoor track season party where he and some other guys made a beer run -- legal was 18 back then and he was 18 -- and snuck it in through the basement windows to those of us waiting below while his parents supervised the party from the first floor. The snacks and soda walked in through the front door. It's one of my funniest stories from high school. When his parents figured out what was going on and came down to put a stop to the drinking, I was one of those holding a bottle of Bud in my hand. Busted. 

But he was willing to just throw our friendship away because I asked him to keep his political views on his Facebook page and not insult my other friends. Not because I got on Facebook and disagreed with him. Not because I insulted him or called him names. No, because I encouraged him to write whatever he wanted on his own Facebook page but please not use my page and posts to insult my friends. 

No skin off his nose. I wonder when he became so angry and why. His vitriol is way out there. I wonder what happened to my happy-go-lucky friend. I've been through hell and back more than once and I know I'm more jaded and easy to anger than I used to be because of my baggage, but I don't think I'm over the top. I like to find the good in people. I treasure the people in my life. Even through this interaction, I expressed to him how I found some common ground with him in disliking Common Core. And that I would hope that our good times together would mean something to him. But he defriended me before I could even send that message. 

I started thinking about my ex and his "disposable people" attitude. And I realized Pitter Patter somehow became someone with that same attitude. It's sad for him that he's become that person. 

There is an essay on thedailylove blog by Joey Parker about life cycle of friendships. People come into your life for a reason, he says, and when that reason is finished, instead of dwelling on the pain of saying goodbye, look at it as a chapter that was filled with memories and lessons that will live with you. "It takes courage to stand up and realize that sometimes you need to move forward. This doesn't mean things have to end nasty, it just means that you are mature enough to see that these people may be holding you back in a way that at this moment in your life is not what  you want."

I wish no ill for Pitter Patter. But I don't want to be friends with someone who views on a whim people and friendships as disposable. 

I gave him my blessing to defriend me if that's what he felt like he needed to do. I wished him peace. 

I hope he finds it. 

I'm sorry he felt I was disposable. I don't feel that way about him. I will continue to cherish the memories. I'm even open to still being his friend, if he ever reconsiders. But right now it is time to move on.