Okay, Maybe A Fork in the Road

I appreciate all the kind comments I received from my last post, and it was heartening to hear that some felt my posts over the years have been helpful.

After some time processing my decision to stop blogging altogether, I'm thinking of making this a fork in the road, not a dead end.

T has many trauma related issues. This was evident from Day One in the "Big House." 

But here's the thing. So do I. 

So instead of this being a blog that primarily focuses on T and our efforts to "heal" him or "change" him, this may become more a story about me and my attempts to change me. 

I had come to the point of realizing I couldn't change him and that all I could do was change how I react to him. I've now moved past that and recognized I need to fundamentally change me -- not just how I react to T -- but how I act in all situations. How much will I let my past affect me? 

The trauma train has tracks right through my family -- generations of my family -- on both sides. I need to find the Paul Bunyan in me, put out my hands, and stop that locomotive in its tracks. No, throw it off its track. My sisters and I have taken a "the physical abuse stops with our generation" approach, but we can still be overbearingly stern. General Patton style. 

Not hitting or spanking my son is not good enough. It's a huge step in the right direction, but I have to stop the anger that he can trigger in me. I have to stop taking his behavior personally. I have to stop letting him push my buttons. I need to channel Mr. Rogers and save General Patton for running with scissors moments.

We are currently taking Heather Forbes' online Beyond Consequences parenting class. Every week there are at least a dozen nuggets of wisdom that I scribble down in hopes of embedding them into my gray matter for times when I will need them. 

I know we started off on the wrong foot with T because of bad advice. A couple of months in we began the change from treating him as a willfully disobedient child and instead parenting him for who he is -- a grievously wounded child who'd survived trauma no child should ever have to live through.

Had we started that way, maybe we wouldn't be in the boat we're in today. Or maybe we would have been. But no doubt, we taught him very early on not to trust that this home, this family, would be a safe place from yelling, consequences, and overbearing expectations -- that it would be a safe place for healing. 

My daily affirmation today is -- and I thank a fellow trauma mama for this one -- "The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago. But the second best time is today."

So I'm starting over. Again. This time I'm trying to change me. The best time to do this would have been a long time ago. But the second best time is now.

Green Day -- Time of Your Life

Another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road

Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.

It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.