What's Working
Claudia at My Fascinating Life wants to know what's working in our lives. I've been pondering this for several weeks now. A lot of things are not working the way they should be. My resolve to exercise more has been thwarted first by getting my period every other week over the course of five weeks -- the HRT pills were NOT working -- and then a recalcitrant and painful case of the shingles in my hip, which means no running or biking. This of course means my resolve to lose weight is not working either -- and doesn't bode well for an early triathlon attempt.
My one word for this year "declutter" is not working out at all as I'd hoped. I started with the kitchen table. I get it decluttered. Two days later....back to square one. Not being able to recycle the hundreds of papers that come home from kindergarten when a certain child is around to see what is going on doesn't help. But this is supposed to be a posting about what is working. So here goes:
Time: T has been home with us for two years and almost three months. He was a Very Angry Boy until this past fall, when at some point I realized I had a pretty happy kid on my hands most of the time. I can't point my finger at any one thing. I've been trying out every technique I can get my hands on to help him, and he's mostly seen through them after a bit. "Why you always saying that?" he'd grumble, when I would express empathy along the lines of "I know it's sad when you have to stop playing."
I wonder how much of the change is just a result of time. To quote Phil Rizzutto speaking on the death of Yankees catcher Thurmon Munson, "You know they say time heals all wounds, and I don't really agree with that 100 percent. It gets you to cope with the wounds. You carry them the rest of your life." T will never be totally free from the pain of what life threw at him, but he is beginning to cope. This is a good thing.
Moving: I am moving my office upstairs. Out of the freezing cold dungeon of the basement. To a place where I'll be able to hear the birds and the kids and see the sun and the rain and the, ugh, snow. To do this, we had to move the stepdaughters into one room. But the oldest one turns 18 soon and should be off to college with any luck, so the brief room-sharing shouldn't be overly problematic.
I'm looking forward to this change. I hope it clears away some of the grayness in my life. And I will be able to be company during the workday to Kitty, the cat who needs a room with no rugs or chairs or beds to pee on. She doesn't do it out of spite or badness -- she's just being a Maine Coon cat who needs to let all the other cats know that this is her place. It was either put her in a room with no carpet or soft furniture or put her down. B was just not an option for me. I could never do it. It's hard enough to do when they are old and sick and suffering. But in the meantime, she's been rather lonely, as have I.
Trusting My Parenting Instincts: I am getting better at ignoring what other people have to say about how I parent T. What I'm doing seems to be working. Why should I change how I parent to suit their view of how I should be parenting? For instance, I recently got flak from a non-adoptive parent --we're not even getting into older child adoption -- this person has not adopted at all -- about the fact that I lie down with T until he falls asleep. Co-sleeping is the first thing an attachment therapist will tell parents to do with an attachment-troubled child. I actually gave it right back to her. I told her in no uncertain terms that until she'd adopted an older child with attachment difficulties, she had no right to question my parenting, and that both attachment therapists I'd discussed this with had said that he was not too old to be co-sleeping with.
The pediatrician questioned the fact that I was dressing T after a difficult -- meaning vaccinations needed -- appointment. This is what I know about my child. The first vaccinations he ever had were when they loaded up a group of kids, stuffed them on a bus, and took them to a clinic -- where they each got jabbed and moved out of the way, with no one to comfort them, soothe them, or dry their tears. The first thing any parent has to learn about parenting an older adopted child is that you meet the child where he or she is emotionally in age. Doctor appointments set T back several years. Dressing him and treating him like a much younger child is soothing to him. It makes him feel safe. It helps him understand that even if he has to undergo a painful procedure at the doctor's office, Mommy will be there to hug him and comfort him. I ignored the doctor and kept dressing my child.
And recently family members have questioned why I would choose to sit at the kids' table with him for a holiday dinner or why at his age he's still insecure when I give attention to another child. I try to use these as teachable moments -- for A it is because he was feeling isolated from me, and isolating behavior for a developmentally traumatized child is very bad parenting and for B it is because he may be six, but he's only had me for two years. So going back to that emotional age theory, he is two when it comes to me giving attention to another child. He wants to make sure that I am not going to trade him in for another kid. There are ingrained fears in a child who was adopted at an older age that a biological child doesn't have to deal with. I think my answers get pooh-poohed, but I take a "whatever" attitude. People can learn from me or they can be dismissive. I live with this child day in and day out. I've done the research. I've read the books about attachment and developmental trauma and early childhood loss -- see the list on the right. I've attended the seminars and spent eight months traveling 45 minutes each way every other week to an attachment therapist. I know what my child needs. I am my child's mother and I am his advocate. I may not have pushed him out of my uterus, but I know how to parent him, thank you very much.
I would love to hear about what's working in other people's lives, particularly when so much is not working right now for me. I'm looking for inspiration in an otherwise personally fairly discouraging year!
My one word for this year "declutter" is not working out at all as I'd hoped. I started with the kitchen table. I get it decluttered. Two days later....back to square one. Not being able to recycle the hundreds of papers that come home from kindergarten when a certain child is around to see what is going on doesn't help. But this is supposed to be a posting about what is working. So here goes:
Time: T has been home with us for two years and almost three months. He was a Very Angry Boy until this past fall, when at some point I realized I had a pretty happy kid on my hands most of the time. I can't point my finger at any one thing. I've been trying out every technique I can get my hands on to help him, and he's mostly seen through them after a bit. "Why you always saying that?" he'd grumble, when I would express empathy along the lines of "I know it's sad when you have to stop playing."
I wonder how much of the change is just a result of time. To quote Phil Rizzutto speaking on the death of Yankees catcher Thurmon Munson, "You know they say time heals all wounds, and I don't really agree with that 100 percent. It gets you to cope with the wounds. You carry them the rest of your life." T will never be totally free from the pain of what life threw at him, but he is beginning to cope. This is a good thing.
Moving: I am moving my office upstairs. Out of the freezing cold dungeon of the basement. To a place where I'll be able to hear the birds and the kids and see the sun and the rain and the, ugh, snow. To do this, we had to move the stepdaughters into one room. But the oldest one turns 18 soon and should be off to college with any luck, so the brief room-sharing shouldn't be overly problematic.
I'm looking forward to this change. I hope it clears away some of the grayness in my life. And I will be able to be company during the workday to Kitty, the cat who needs a room with no rugs or chairs or beds to pee on. She doesn't do it out of spite or badness -- she's just being a Maine Coon cat who needs to let all the other cats know that this is her place. It was either put her in a room with no carpet or soft furniture or put her down. B was just not an option for me. I could never do it. It's hard enough to do when they are old and sick and suffering. But in the meantime, she's been rather lonely, as have I.
Trusting My Parenting Instincts: I am getting better at ignoring what other people have to say about how I parent T. What I'm doing seems to be working. Why should I change how I parent to suit their view of how I should be parenting? For instance, I recently got flak from a non-adoptive parent --we're not even getting into older child adoption -- this person has not adopted at all -- about the fact that I lie down with T until he falls asleep. Co-sleeping is the first thing an attachment therapist will tell parents to do with an attachment-troubled child. I actually gave it right back to her. I told her in no uncertain terms that until she'd adopted an older child with attachment difficulties, she had no right to question my parenting, and that both attachment therapists I'd discussed this with had said that he was not too old to be co-sleeping with.
The pediatrician questioned the fact that I was dressing T after a difficult -- meaning vaccinations needed -- appointment. This is what I know about my child. The first vaccinations he ever had were when they loaded up a group of kids, stuffed them on a bus, and took them to a clinic -- where they each got jabbed and moved out of the way, with no one to comfort them, soothe them, or dry their tears. The first thing any parent has to learn about parenting an older adopted child is that you meet the child where he or she is emotionally in age. Doctor appointments set T back several years. Dressing him and treating him like a much younger child is soothing to him. It makes him feel safe. It helps him understand that even if he has to undergo a painful procedure at the doctor's office, Mommy will be there to hug him and comfort him. I ignored the doctor and kept dressing my child.
And recently family members have questioned why I would choose to sit at the kids' table with him for a holiday dinner or why at his age he's still insecure when I give attention to another child. I try to use these as teachable moments -- for A it is because he was feeling isolated from me, and isolating behavior for a developmentally traumatized child is very bad parenting and for B it is because he may be six, but he's only had me for two years. So going back to that emotional age theory, he is two when it comes to me giving attention to another child. He wants to make sure that I am not going to trade him in for another kid. There are ingrained fears in a child who was adopted at an older age that a biological child doesn't have to deal with. I think my answers get pooh-poohed, but I take a "whatever" attitude. People can learn from me or they can be dismissive. I live with this child day in and day out. I've done the research. I've read the books about attachment and developmental trauma and early childhood loss -- see the list on the right. I've attended the seminars and spent eight months traveling 45 minutes each way every other week to an attachment therapist. I know what my child needs. I am my child's mother and I am his advocate. I may not have pushed him out of my uterus, but I know how to parent him, thank you very much.
I would love to hear about what's working in other people's lives, particularly when so much is not working right now for me. I'm looking for inspiration in an otherwise personally fairly discouraging year!
Good for you for standing your ground. I think that's one of my fears as a soon-to-be first time mom, that I will have the "figuring stuff out" to do along with the "standing my ground" when it comes to things that I know are right for our family, but may look different than how other families do things. I'm always inspired by your posts, especially the ones on older child adoption. Thanks for writing it down so others, including myself, can learn from you.
ReplyDeleteWhat's working for me...
1. My dog listened a minute ago when I said "down". That's always a plus. :)
2. So far I haven't killed the two new ferns we got for the pots in our kitchen.
3. Some apple bread I made this weekend came out de-lish. Always good for the ol' baking motivation :)
We lay down with the twins every night until they fall asleep, too. I never would have done that in a million years with my three older kids, but Tom and I have learned that things are just different with these kids. I guess they probably won't go to high school needing me to lay down with them. And Thomas goes right to sleep on his own. One of the best things that has happened to me personally through older child adoption is learning to be flexible.
DeleteI'm right with you on following your instincts in the face a lot of inappropriate advice. It is the single most important thing I've done as my son's mother. If I listened to the advice I get, I'd be setting him up for a life of misery, self-doubt, fear and anger. Everything works better when my son's emotional needs are met, regardless of how age appropriate any of the people not raising him think it is.
ReplyDeleteHEAR, HEAR!!!
DeleteIf I recall correctly, it's your telling everyone in one of the seminars we attended about you ignoring advice to the contrary and co-sleeping with T anyway that earned you a hearty round of applause. There are folks out there who understand that you are absolutely making the appropriate choices on what and whose advice to follow. Count me among those. :-)
ReplyDeleteKaren - I think you just wrote that you have a usually happy child on your hands. Enough said - you kicked it already this year and I say job well done!
ReplyDeleteMy one headway this year..... remembering and actually believing "this too shall pass". The effect on me has been tremendously calming and creating space for better things. I can't usually ever make a change. This time I did and it is good.
I love hearing that T is doing well and you are trusting your instincts. I too wonder about whether it's just time and consistent parenting that can get these kids feeling safe? That may be the case, but we'll still do Theraplay, read the books and make sure we are doing what we can to support our kids.
ReplyDeleteYou are so very knowledgeable and I appreciate how you take the time to respond on the boards to those seeking help. I've been on the receiving end on several occasions. =) Yep, adopting a 4ish year old boy is no walk in the park, but they are incredible, tenacious, loving kids...
Hi Karen:
ReplyDeleteNot sure if I shared but we adopted 3 at the age of 4-boy, 4-girl and 7-boy who are now 12, 12 and 16. AND we will be hopefully adopting the 18-month sibling of our little girl (yes 12 years difference!) in a couple of months.
Out of our 8-years as adoptive parents we have found the last 12-months to be rock bottom. Sigh ...
But what is going right, you ask?
I feel more empowered to find the right help for my children when "I" am not enough - counselors, educators, & doctors. I will beg, call anybody, nag, and demand until I feel that adult resources are in place -- including threatening a police officer with litigation when he poo poo ed my son for calling a slap in the face "bullying". Proud to note the police officer changed his tune - rightfully so.
Realized that I can care for a baby ... a very big question when you have never had an infant! And that babies bring laughter/joy/love even when everything else is overwhelmingly wrong. So everyone might be mad at each other but we all agree that we love the baby and that is a starting point.
My juggling has gotten better - change diaper, help with homework, and fix dinner : 0 )
Two words: Confirmation bias. The commenters are all adoptive parents with attachment challenged children AND have chosen to parent using non-traditional, unproven allegedly "theraputic" techniques. Getting cheered about co-sleeping with a WAY too old kid at a conference could be wonderful support for your approach to parenting or that all of you were simply drinking the same kool aid.
ReplyDeleteSitting at the kids table with your kid? Not giving t the opportunity to practice social skills and reinforcing bad behavior. You flat out say he want ALL yiur attention, not to have to share it with his siblings? You're playing to him.
Insisting on dressing him after getting a shirt at the doctors? Catering to his will. Yes, years ago he had a scary experience at the doctor. He should still be expected to dress himself.
Interestingly enough, you don't hear about the attachment challenges of tge surely traumatized children that, say, survived concentration camps or watched their parents die in a war. You don't hear a lot about the attachment challenges of a kid living in a rural, war torn remote village in Afghanistan or living with his family in an inadequate dwelling with no access to clean water in Haiti. You hear a whole lot about the attachment challenges of kids adopted by middle/upper middle class families who insist that NO doctor/therapist/counselor who is licensed understands trauma. Interesting that kids appear to develop attachment challenges only when living with people who keep them appropriately fed housed and cared for, ie a kid needs to feel pretty secure about his environment to have tge "luxury" of falling apart in the ways you describe.
I'm also willing to be you've likely alienated a HUGE chunk of yiur family and friends because you insist that yiur way is the right way to parent yiur kid, that obviously spoiling t is ok because an unlicensed attachment therapist or two tells you it's a good idea.
T wants all your attention all the time... And has figured out exactly how to get it. It's gotta be delightful to ensure that t does not have to do anything cuz you'll sit with him at the kiddy table, sleep with him every single night and otherwise deprive a smart and capable 6 yr old of the opportunity to master basic skills OR have accomplishments to feel proud of. Poor kid deserves better!!!
Janina, You couldn't be more wrong. Here we are a year later and T now gladly sits at the kids table and enjoys his time with his cousins. He dresses himself at the doctor's office. He goes in with resolve that he will not cry when he gets a vaccination. My family has seen first hand how differently this child's brain works from their bio kids and they have come around to therapeutic approaches as well. My sister had an attachment challenged child in her classroom -- one who had been bounced around from birth family to foster care to adoptive family back to foster care and then to extended birth family. Based on what she had learned from my experience, she desperately tried to get that child into therapy, but the family took your approach. Tough it out. Grow a pair. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and buck up.
DeleteIf my sister were to respond to you, she would tell you flat out that your approach doesn't work. It's a crappy way of dealing with a child who is suffering from having lost EVERYONE and EVERYTHING he has ever known. Not just a parent. Not just a couple of siblings. EVERYONE. A child who is living in wretched conditions but with family has nothing to be attachment challenged over. Developmental trauma, sure, and if you think this all a bunch of hooey, keep this in mind: 60 percent of the people imprisoned in this country are individuals who were once in the foster care system. SIXTY PERCENT. There's a lot of trauma and "toughen up" approaches to it out there that are clearly NOT WORKING. Your approach fails these children. Those kids certainly fell apart with no one around to care or listen or give appropriate help, and now they are incarcerated criminals. Let me tell you, 60 percent of the population of this country has not been through the foster care system. So your thesis that only kids who "have the luxury" to fall apart do is wrong-o.
By listening to my child's needs and meeting them -- the very basis of attachment -- meeting a child's needs -- it's how every parent starts out -- the child cries because he is hungry, mom feeds him, the miracle of attachment begins -- I have helped T through the fire of grief that you cannot even begin to imagine. His struggle is not over, but he has made ginormous strides. Last year if I so much as paid attention to a younger child, he would object. Now he goes around the ski lodge, helping the younger kids get their boots on, because he knows that we help smaller people who need our help.
So phooey to you. Write your own damn blog and give out all the crappy advice you want. I don't claim to have every answer and I know each child is different and some children are more resilient than others, but I and only I am my child's mother and *I*, not you, know what he needs. And clearly my approach has been working. Sometimes I wonder if he got the best mother he needed, but then I see stuff like what you have written and it's confirmation bias indeed that he could have done much worse.