Attachment and Adoption

S and I attended a GREAT attachment in adoption seminar yesterday, led by Dr. Eshleman. She has or had a clinic that specialized in attachment issues in Lancaster, PA, and really seems to know her stuff. As Sean put it, usually when he goes to seminars he thinks a lot of it is BS, but he never thought that once about our entire day. We came away with a lot of good things to work on, and I don't want to be stingy, so I'm sharing them here, for those who are struggling, desperate, or hanging off the edge of a cliff right now. We got into a lot of why our kids are they way they are, which I think every parent needs to learn about and understand, in order to buy into the fixes, but I just want to share the toolbox ideas here. There are plenty of books about why our children are so hurt -- emotionally traumatized -- and how that affects brain development. One of my favorites right now is "Adopting the Hurt Child" by Keck and Kupecky.

There are a number of therapies that Dr. Eshleman recommends -- interestingly Keck and Kupecky recommend all the same ones. Trauma therapy, such as EMDR. Attachment work such as Theraplay, which is actually both trauma and attachment work. Note that this is NOT the same as play therapy. Play therapy is almost useless for developmental trauma. Theraplay is very structured play and the parent is always highly involved. She recommends the book "Theraplay," 3rd edition.

Also, addressing the neurological damage caused by early trauma. Dr. Eshleman recommends that every traumatized child have a functional MRI (FMRI) to identify any areas of the brain that show signs of damage. Work like neurological feedback -- also known as EEG/biofeedback -- can help the child learn to self-regulate when he or she starts to spiral out of control or become hyper-stimulated. She also recommends we become attuned to our children and learn to recognize when they're heading that way, and work to head it off at the pass by saying, "I can see you're starting to head for a melt-down. Let's sit on the couch and read for a little bit." I am acutely aware of when T is heading down that road, but I've always waited until he hits the point of no return before working to bring him back. I see changes in his eyes, his face; I hear it in his voice; and I certainly see it in his actions. We've struggled over the years with his sisters' high energy levels -- and spoken requests to bring their energy levels down are rarely effective. I'm envisioning strong breathing exercises for all three children -- perhaps we will have calmer and less stressful parenting weekends with them if we can get all three to learn to self-regulate. Dr. Eshleman reassured us that it's never too late for any of these techniques to help a child -- she even had one patient who was in her 70s who came to her saying, "I refuse to die without fixing myself!"

She recommends narrative therapy, as laid out in the book "Connecting with Kids Through Stories." This essentially involves starting with a claiming story, such as, "You didn't grow in my belly, but if you had, I would have done this," and the parent lists out all the things she would have done with her little baby. I cried when she brought this up; there is so much I would have liked to have done for T. Like rocking. I just might go out and buy myself a rocker still. I think this child would have highly benefited from being rocked, and would still benefit. We don't have an inch of room for another piece of furniture, but I'm mentally rearranging the living room to fit it in.

And finally she recommends therapy with a therapist who understands adoption, developmental trauma, and attachment issues. Finding a therapist versed in these areas can be challenging, as we have discovered. Perhaps that will be my next career.

I'm not at all an expert in any of the therapies described above, and as Dr. Eshleman observes, so unfortunately it's up to the parents to do the research and demand the answers for their children. We are also the experts for our children. So when my pediatrician comments on the fact that I'm dressing my child after a visit that causes him much dysregulation due to his early trauma with his first ever vaccination -- he was one in a group of 30 kids who got a measles vaccine, and no adult to comfort any of them -- I am right to ignore her and keep dressing him. IT'S WHAT HE NEEDS. He needs nurturing. He needs to be two and have mommy taking care of him. THAT IS WHAT WILL HEAL HIM.

In the meantime, what can we as parents do? Some fun things to do with kids that will help them attach.

1) Hershey kisses treats: Hold the treat up so the child has to look into your eyes. Children who won't look into your eyes will not attach. Then give him an instruction, such as "Look at me, then blink, and I'll give you this candy."
2) Every time your child comes home from school with a tracing of her hand, immediately take a marker and trace your hand overlapping hers. Tell her, "This means I will always be with you."
3) Blow up a balloon and toss it in the air. Have your child tap it back to you. Tap it back to your child. Keep going back and forth until you sense your child has had enough. Then stop.
4) Hold a cotton ball in the palm of your hand. Tell your child to look at you and be ready to catch the cotton ball when you blow it to him. Have a signal for when you will blow it to him, such as blinking his eyes, wiggling his nose, or raising his eyebrows -- something you can see while maintaining eye contact. When he catches it, it's his turn to blow it back to you, when you do the signal that you're ready.
5) Do activities in parallel with your child. Instead of making her make her bed every morning, make it with her. Instead of having him take out the garbage on Sunday nights, say, "Let's take out the garbage together." Cooking together is highly recommended.
6) Draw half of something on your child's hand with washable marker, and then have him draw the other half. Half a heart, half a truck, half a smiley face -- pick whatever will make your child happy.
7) Draw a lovey symbol on your child's hand before she leaves for school, then kiss it. Tell her this will remind her all day long that you love her and are always with her.
8) Walk by your child and kiss him on the head. Don't speak, don't offer an explanation, and don't stop. Just keep walking.
9) If your child wants to do something that is not attachment-promoting, such as play video games or watch TV, allow it for a short period of time (NEVER allow violent video games) with the condition that "first we need to play Uno together" for the same amount of time that you will be allowing the other activity. Or pick video games that require cooperation, such as Wii bowling. This technique also works to get a child to do something they don't want to do. Instead of offering a punishment, "Make your bed or you lose TV," offer a reward: "If you make your bed, I'll sit and watch TV with you for 10 minutes."
10) If your child wants to bring pictures of you with him to school for reassurance that you'll be there when he gets home, and the teacher says that they don't allow that, ask the teacher if she has photos of her children with her. Then ask why if she can have photos of her children, why your child can't have a photo of his parents. I love this one!

Many more activities are recommended in the book, "I Love You Rituals." Dr. Eshleman's caution in all of this is to not over-do it. For instance, don't play Uno for so long that your child becomes antsy or bored and begins to sabotage the experience. And it's important that attachment therapies are never taken away as a consequence for undesired behavior. For instance, movement such as dance or soccer is crucial in emotional healing, so if you have your child enrolled in those types of lessons, don't require that she has her chores done before she can go. Go anyway and then offer to work together to get the chores done when you get home, with the reward for that being doing something fun together, like baking cookies. What could be better than that?!