Traumaversary Day

Three years ago today Hubs and I legally became the parents of T. We weren't aware of this fact for another week, since it happened in a courtroom in Addis Ababa where the head of the orphanage signed the paperwork with our power of attorney. But it is the day his uncle -- "Gashe" -- stood before the judge, swore that both parents were deceased (the facts of the case are in doubt in our minds), and relinquished him forever from his birth family.

T hates this adoption day. We used to try to celebrate it, but he hates it. He knows that it's the day he lost his birth family forever. In adoption terms, this type of anniversary is a traumaversary. Traumaversaries are sad and sad is scary so it goes straight to angry, which means we all go into survival mode.

It's especially tough that it falls right around the holidays. Our kids' brains are in permanent survival mode and the hype around the holidays puts them into overdrive. Things are not as they usually are -- life not being normal = I might not survive. I might not survive is scary and scary goes straight to angry, which means we all go into survival mode. We don't have Happy Holidays. We have Get Through the Holidays. Pray for Return to Normalcy Holidays. Wish There Were No Freaking Holidays.

Add in the burned in memory of a traumaversary and you have the perfect storm.

So today I should be happy, but I'm struggling too. I suppose it's a reminder that this child doesn't really want to be part of this family. He's somewhat accepting of his fate, but it's not his choice.

This year I won't mention the day to him. He loves his US re-adoption day -- he got presents and family gathered and he was the center of attention and the judge let him ring the bell -- that's a happy memory for him. Which is just days before Thanksgiving and the start of the holiday season and the holiday/traumaversary dysregulation. But for that one day, he is happy to celebrate with us. Even though he won't look into my eyes when we sing "Oh Happy Adoption Day" together. Which is telling of his not being totally willing to have his ticket punched as part of this family. As my son.

Today....we'll just hope it passes without too much notice and move on into January.

Comments

  1. SueDecember 30, 2012 at 5:47 PM

    Oh this post, heartbreaking. For you. For T. And traumaversary sucks period. But to fall around the holidays, double suck, double period. January will be here soon enough, and I hope the new year ushers in some peace and settled joy into your family.

    ReplyDelete
  2. KendraJanuary 1, 2013 at 8:53 PM

    Karen, I have tears for you. I am soo sorry. I can't even imagine. It's been awhile since I read your blog and I don't think I ever got the entire story--I just knew you have had a rough time from the get-go. I will be praying for you...for peace and love and hope. I am reading a book about finding a way to be grateful every day for the little things and how it can help you get through your days. Big hugs.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Autumn Leaves -- Too Quickly

Image
When I was younger, fall was my favorite season. It seemed, as I day-dreamed out the school windows, that the crimsons, golds, and fiery oranges were a painted canvas to be enjoyed for weeks on end. Now the leaves are a fleeting show of glorious colors one weekend only to be ripped off by a windstorm the next, leaving us to stare at a world of gray and white for the next seven months. Perhaps if I actually had a window to look out while working, I could contentedly watch the season ease into into its show throughout the weeks of September and October, until finally exploding into the grand finale -- and not feel so cheated when the leaves are so unceremoniously flung to the ground to make way for the coming snow. Oh, autumn, to quote Marvell: "...yonder all before us lie Deserts of vast eternity. Thy beauty shall no more be found..." So while I was at Green Lakes over the weekend, I took time to just soak in the colors, albeit with a five year old at my side peppering m...
Read more

What's Working

Claudia at  My Fascinating Life  wants to know what's working in our lives. I've been pondering this for several weeks now. A lot of things are not working the way they should be. My resolve to exercise more has been thwarted first by getting my period every other week over the course of five weeks -- the HRT pills were NOT working -- and then a recalcitrant and painful case of the shingles in my hip, which means no running or biking. This of course means my resolve to lose weight is not working either -- and doesn't bode well for an early triathlon attempt. My one word for this year "declutter" is not working out at all as I'd hoped. I started with the kitchen table. I get it decluttered. Two days later....back to square one. Not being able to recycle the hundreds of papers that come home from kindergarten when a certain child is around to see what is going on doesn't help. But this is supposed to be a posting about what is working. So here goes: Tim...
Read more

Adopting the Older Child -- Part 4: Power Struggles

Image
The stairs at the right of the photo were the site of one of our early power struggles -- T wanted to jump from the platform, and I didn't want to him cracking open his skull. "I don't like you. You mean." I hear that a lot, typically in response to things like "Time to pick up your toys," or "You need to take your vitamin," or "It's time to get dressed for school," or "Time to brush your teeth." Basic, every day power struggle stuff. T wants to keep playing, doesn't want to go to school, doesn't like any of his clothes, doesn't understand why he needs to brush his teeth twice a day every day, and most definitely does not want to take those yucky vitamins. He even rebels at being called to the dinner table. I try to avoid power struggles by using the options approach: "It's time to get ready for school -- do you want to get dressed first or brush your teeth first?" Or, "It's time to get ...
Read more