Timely Advice
Okay, I needed this one right now. About "Why You're Never Failing as a Mother."
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amy-morrison/motherhood_b_2271349.html
Even though she refers to "babies" I can apply everything she says to "older adopted children."
I'm doing the best I can. In a society that most certanily doesn't understand anxious attachment and early childhood developmental trauma and hits us with the double whammy of unreasonably high expectations: your child is taking swimming lessons, ice skating lessons, and is in ski club, but you didn't sign him up for lacrosse/soccer/hockey/African drumming/Irish step dancing? Oh, and no more than 20 minutes of screen time per day -- between TV, Nintendo, and computer games -- even educational computer games -- do you know how much Flintstones and Hogan's Heroes and Three Stooges and Yogi the Bear and Bullwinkle and Addams Family and The Munsters and Captain Kangaroo I watched while my mother got work done around the house? I have a college degree and I've got a decent job and I own a house and I think I somehow turned out okay despite way more than 20 minutes of screen time per day as a kid.
I don't always get it right. Sometimes I fall down. But -- I get knocked down, but I get up again; you're never going to keep me down.
My child is fed, dressed appropriately, showers when he needs it, gets way more mommy time than I -- one of four -- ever dreamed of getting, gets way more enrichment opportunities than my parents could even think of affording (Skating lessons? Skiing? Hahahaha -- that was for rich kids), goes to a top notch school, is read to or reads to us every night, gets his annual phsycial and flu shot, and is currently off getting his teeth cleaned and flouride applied. He might stomp his feet, jump up in down in protest, and/or whine about each and every one of those activities -- and perhaps even slam a door -- but we get through it, and he's well taken care of.
And he knows he's loved. Even if he doesn't always want to accept it. So I need to stop beating myself up for being on a learning curve dealing with a special needs child and get back up and not let it keep me down.
I'm a good mom. I'm a pro-league mom. To all the moms out there struggling with high needs older child adoption developmentally traumatized, anxiously attached kids -- you too are good moms. It's easy -- easier for us than most -- to feel like failures -- but we are getting our kids through life, one step at a time, and we.are.not.failures. Our success is measured differently than moms with kids who dont face the challenges our kids face, but we are.not.failures.
I am doing a great job. We are all doing a great job. Even if that means making difficult decisions that are ultimately in our children's best interests.
So I'm dusting myself off and getting up again.
I get knocked down, but I get up again; you're never going to keep me down.
Sorry for the ear worm.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amy-morrison/motherhood_b_2271349.html
Even though she refers to "babies" I can apply everything she says to "older adopted children."
I'm doing the best I can. In a society that most certanily doesn't understand anxious attachment and early childhood developmental trauma and hits us with the double whammy of unreasonably high expectations: your child is taking swimming lessons, ice skating lessons, and is in ski club, but you didn't sign him up for lacrosse/soccer/hockey/African drumming/Irish step dancing? Oh, and no more than 20 minutes of screen time per day -- between TV, Nintendo, and computer games -- even educational computer games -- do you know how much Flintstones and Hogan's Heroes and Three Stooges and Yogi the Bear and Bullwinkle and Addams Family and The Munsters and Captain Kangaroo I watched while my mother got work done around the house? I have a college degree and I've got a decent job and I own a house and I think I somehow turned out okay despite way more than 20 minutes of screen time per day as a kid.
I don't always get it right. Sometimes I fall down. But -- I get knocked down, but I get up again; you're never going to keep me down.
My child is fed, dressed appropriately, showers when he needs it, gets way more mommy time than I -- one of four -- ever dreamed of getting, gets way more enrichment opportunities than my parents could even think of affording (Skating lessons? Skiing? Hahahaha -- that was for rich kids), goes to a top notch school, is read to or reads to us every night, gets his annual phsycial and flu shot, and is currently off getting his teeth cleaned and flouride applied. He might stomp his feet, jump up in down in protest, and/or whine about each and every one of those activities -- and perhaps even slam a door -- but we get through it, and he's well taken care of.
And he knows he's loved. Even if he doesn't always want to accept it. So I need to stop beating myself up for being on a learning curve dealing with a special needs child and get back up and not let it keep me down.
I'm a good mom. I'm a pro-league mom. To all the moms out there struggling with high needs older child adoption developmentally traumatized, anxiously attached kids -- you too are good moms. It's easy -- easier for us than most -- to feel like failures -- but we are getting our kids through life, one step at a time, and we.are.not.failures. Our success is measured differently than moms with kids who dont face the challenges our kids face, but we are.not.failures.
I am doing a great job. We are all doing a great job. Even if that means making difficult decisions that are ultimately in our children's best interests.
So I'm dusting myself off and getting up again.
I get knocked down, but I get up again; you're never going to keep me down.
Sorry for the ear worm.
I love that song. And I love this post.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing a great job! I was so hard on myself first go around as a mom and now as i look at my son who is 15--he doesn't remember all the stuff I saw as messing up-what he remembers is the constant presence of me in his life and showing up. So on this second go around in motherdom, I am completely at peace even with the challenges that arise in older child adoption. I am constant, I'm present and I'm showing up.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great article and post! I was feeling so guilty today because I gave our yard some badly needed attention while D played inside by himself (gasp!). I guess he'll survive, huh?
ReplyDeleteI can say emphatically that you are NOT a failure as mother. You are doing a phenomenal job! And when you're feeling knocked down, please take my hand so that I can help you up again.
ReplyDelete