You Have My Permission...
...to punch them in the nose. The people who, when you say you cannot get pregnant, suggest "Why don't you just adopt?"
As if.
Note that all that is written below applies to adoption of older children -- which is defined as adopting a child who is not a newborn at the time of the adoption.
As if domestically there are enough infants available for adoption to fill all the broken-hearted parents-to-be waiting for their own baby.
As if domestic adoption plans never fall through and people don't get their hearts broken all over again.
As if international adoption means you get an infant. Maybe, the young, with years to wait, will come home with a non-toddler baby. But not a newborn. More likely several months old at referral and closing in on a year by the time they come home.
As if international adoption isn't fraught with uncertainties. Little to no knowledge of the child's heritage. The mother's health. The child's medical history. Countries that close down mid-stream due to corruption in the process. Agencies that go belly-up and take all their clients' life's savings with them.
As if adoption doesn't require people snooping around your lives. Passing home studies. Proving you can be a good parent. No birth parent is held at the hospital until a social worker checks out the home and ensures there are working smoke and carbon monoxide detectors in the house.
As if adoption is free and easy. Covered by medical insurance. Hah! One uterine-pushed-out baby is equal to a few co-pays. One adopted baby? Let's start at $15,000. And go up from there. Currently there is a tax credit, but that law has to be renewed on an annual basis. In our current economic and political environment, it's only a question of which year it gets repealed. It's money you get back after you have to find a way to pay it up front. And it typically covers less than half the cost. Yes, to adopt you need to be independently wealthy or figure out a way to live in a lot of debt.
And here's the final rub. Giving birth to a baby is a selfish act. If you put any thought into it at all, you decide you want a baby. You're pregnant for the better part of a year, deliver the baby, the baby attaches to you without issue, as long as you're not a neglectful parent, and life is good.Tiring, sometimes frustrating -- but everyone got what they needed -- the parents got a child who accepts them as his parents and the child got a family where he feels like he belongs. With rare exception, your child is not grief-stricken and traumatized by the act of being born. Your child is content to be part of your family. Your child doesn't fight being part of your family. Your child accepts his or her place in your family. Your child accepts you as his or her mother or father. You get your ticket punched as a parent constantly.
Adoption is a purely altruistic act, even if you don't realize that going in. Kids don't want to be adopted. They want to be with their birth families. When you adopt, unless you adopt a child at birth, your child doesn't want to be a part of your family. Even if she knows she had no other options -- even if she knows that both birth parents are deceased -- this wasn't her plan for her life. When you adopt, you parent and you love and you nurture a child who doesn't want you. He may eventually accept his lot in life. But you were and never will be his first choice.
So what it comes down to is this: No one should ever adopt because they want a child of their own. Because that's not how it works. You get someone else's child. A child who knows perfectly well that she had another family. And then you work at attaching with an effort no biological parent ever has to consider. Biological parents don't even think about attaching, let alone work at it. It just happens. Like cows and calves, and horses and foals, and ewes and lambs, and seals and seal pups, and penguins and little penguins.
But when you're an adoptive parent, you read books and attend seminars and join email lists and support groups and Facebook networks and blow cotton balls at your child and use M & M's to encourage eye contact and draw hearts on his hands before he leaves for school and trade TV time for attachment building time -- all to find ways to help your child adjust to his place in your family. When was the last time you saw a group of biological parents sitting around a library meeting room troubleshooting how to get their kids to accept being a part of their family? And sometimes all this effort, all this work, all this heartache, is to no avail. Sometimes all you are is a safe place for them to live until they are old enough to move out.
One attachment therapist put it this way: "When you adopt (an older) child, you join the pro leagues.
Parenting is never easy, but it's a whole lot easier when your child accepts you as her mom or dad, and accepts her place as part of the family unit. Everything that is known to be true about parenting gets thrown out the window when you are an adoptive parent.
If you adopted because you wanted a child of your own, you probably didn't count on going straight to the pro leagues. You just wanted a child who you would love and who would love you back. Unconditionally. Without it being work. Just like it happens when you give birth -- like everyone told you. "You can always adopt." Surprise!
The purpose of adopting is to provide a family for a child who needs a family, not to provide a child for a family who needs a child. And that is the great divide between giving birth and adopting. When you get pregnant, if you gave any thought to it at all, you did not think, "There is an unborn child who needs a family. I think I will be that child's mommy." When your child arrives via adoption, the means by which you arrive at being a parent, the means by which you need to parent, and the return you receive from the child are miles apart. If you are infertile and cannot adopt a child at birth, when do you get to have a child who wants you to be his mommy? Probably never. At best perhaps never. You do not get a child of your own. You get a child, yes, but not of your own.
So the next time someone tells you, "Why don't you just adopt?" you have my permission to punch them in the nose.
None of this is to say that adopting a child who is not a newborn is not a rewarding experience and the child not a blessing in your life. It is just vastly different from bringing a child into your family through pregnancy and birth.You cannot enter into the journey thinking selfishly that you want a child and then popping one out. When adoption is your only choice, there is already a fully formed human to consider. Giving birth is about you. Adopting is about a child who doesn't want you. The two experiences are not even in the same ballpark.
As if.
Note that all that is written below applies to adoption of older children -- which is defined as adopting a child who is not a newborn at the time of the adoption.
As if domestically there are enough infants available for adoption to fill all the broken-hearted parents-to-be waiting for their own baby.
As if domestic adoption plans never fall through and people don't get their hearts broken all over again.
As if international adoption means you get an infant. Maybe, the young, with years to wait, will come home with a non-toddler baby. But not a newborn. More likely several months old at referral and closing in on a year by the time they come home.
As if international adoption isn't fraught with uncertainties. Little to no knowledge of the child's heritage. The mother's health. The child's medical history. Countries that close down mid-stream due to corruption in the process. Agencies that go belly-up and take all their clients' life's savings with them.
As if adoption doesn't require people snooping around your lives. Passing home studies. Proving you can be a good parent. No birth parent is held at the hospital until a social worker checks out the home and ensures there are working smoke and carbon monoxide detectors in the house.
As if adoption is free and easy. Covered by medical insurance. Hah! One uterine-pushed-out baby is equal to a few co-pays. One adopted baby? Let's start at $15,000. And go up from there. Currently there is a tax credit, but that law has to be renewed on an annual basis. In our current economic and political environment, it's only a question of which year it gets repealed. It's money you get back after you have to find a way to pay it up front. And it typically covers less than half the cost. Yes, to adopt you need to be independently wealthy or figure out a way to live in a lot of debt.
And here's the final rub. Giving birth to a baby is a selfish act. If you put any thought into it at all, you decide you want a baby. You're pregnant for the better part of a year, deliver the baby, the baby attaches to you without issue, as long as you're not a neglectful parent, and life is good.Tiring, sometimes frustrating -- but everyone got what they needed -- the parents got a child who accepts them as his parents and the child got a family where he feels like he belongs. With rare exception, your child is not grief-stricken and traumatized by the act of being born. Your child is content to be part of your family. Your child doesn't fight being part of your family. Your child accepts his or her place in your family. Your child accepts you as his or her mother or father. You get your ticket punched as a parent constantly.
Adoption is a purely altruistic act, even if you don't realize that going in. Kids don't want to be adopted. They want to be with their birth families. When you adopt, unless you adopt a child at birth, your child doesn't want to be a part of your family. Even if she knows she had no other options -- even if she knows that both birth parents are deceased -- this wasn't her plan for her life. When you adopt, you parent and you love and you nurture a child who doesn't want you. He may eventually accept his lot in life. But you were and never will be his first choice.
So what it comes down to is this: No one should ever adopt because they want a child of their own. Because that's not how it works. You get someone else's child. A child who knows perfectly well that she had another family. And then you work at attaching with an effort no biological parent ever has to consider. Biological parents don't even think about attaching, let alone work at it. It just happens. Like cows and calves, and horses and foals, and ewes and lambs, and seals and seal pups, and penguins and little penguins.
But when you're an adoptive parent, you read books and attend seminars and join email lists and support groups and Facebook networks and blow cotton balls at your child and use M & M's to encourage eye contact and draw hearts on his hands before he leaves for school and trade TV time for attachment building time -- all to find ways to help your child adjust to his place in your family. When was the last time you saw a group of biological parents sitting around a library meeting room troubleshooting how to get their kids to accept being a part of their family? And sometimes all this effort, all this work, all this heartache, is to no avail. Sometimes all you are is a safe place for them to live until they are old enough to move out.
One attachment therapist put it this way: "When you adopt (an older) child, you join the pro leagues.
Parenting is never easy, but it's a whole lot easier when your child accepts you as her mom or dad, and accepts her place as part of the family unit. Everything that is known to be true about parenting gets thrown out the window when you are an adoptive parent.
If you adopted because you wanted a child of your own, you probably didn't count on going straight to the pro leagues. You just wanted a child who you would love and who would love you back. Unconditionally. Without it being work. Just like it happens when you give birth -- like everyone told you. "You can always adopt." Surprise!
The purpose of adopting is to provide a family for a child who needs a family, not to provide a child for a family who needs a child. And that is the great divide between giving birth and adopting. When you get pregnant, if you gave any thought to it at all, you did not think, "There is an unborn child who needs a family. I think I will be that child's mommy." When your child arrives via adoption, the means by which you arrive at being a parent, the means by which you need to parent, and the return you receive from the child are miles apart. If you are infertile and cannot adopt a child at birth, when do you get to have a child who wants you to be his mommy? Probably never. At best perhaps never. You do not get a child of your own. You get a child, yes, but not of your own.
So the next time someone tells you, "Why don't you just adopt?" you have my permission to punch them in the nose.
None of this is to say that adopting a child who is not a newborn is not a rewarding experience and the child not a blessing in your life. It is just vastly different from bringing a child into your family through pregnancy and birth.You cannot enter into the journey thinking selfishly that you want a child and then popping one out. When adoption is your only choice, there is already a fully formed human to consider. Giving birth is about you. Adopting is about a child who doesn't want you. The two experiences are not even in the same ballpark.
I think of it as 'extreme parenting'. Like an extreme sport, but with very different prizes awarded somewhat randomly.
ReplyDeleteBack when I thought I would get pregnant, I used to think a lot about how amazingly overwhelming it would be to nurture and guide a completely un-scarred person. Not quite a little blank canvas, but someone yet to experience life's brutal side, free of any of the prejudices rife in the world. And now, it is entirely upside down. I minded a friend's child overnight and was blown away, utterly stunned when he just went to sleep at bedtime. I just put him in his cot and he closed his eyes and went to sleep. It felt bizarre. Then I started on my son's 30-40 minute bedtime routine.