Grumpies
Mr. Grumpy has returned in a Big Way.
When I picked T up from school, he got into the van muttering crabbily. I couldn't identify the words. He said he had a good time at school, but when we talked about what 'W' word he came up with today ("window") and I told him that was a great word, he started muttering crabbily again. He got out of the van announcing he wasn't going to shut the door, because I had opened it. That was it; first I made him shut the door ("you were the last one out, and my hands are full"), then I made him tell me why he was so grumpy (or no tv tonight -- I'm tired of the grumpies with no explanation of why we're grumpy. If we're going to be grumpy, we need to use our words to explain why.) He said it's because I got him too early from school and he didn't have enough time to play with his friends. Of course, this morning he didn't want to go to school; he hates school. So it's lose-lose.
We're hotpacking a small skin lesion, and he was completely uncooperative about getting his pants and bandaid off -- he usually tries to beat the microwave timer that goes off one minute and 40 seconds after I put the bean bag in -- today the timer went off, he hadn't even gotten his pants off yet, and he said, "I don't care." He complained about the towel I put on the couch to protect it from the wet washcloth. He gave me a hard time letting me at the area with the washcloth, blocking it with his lower leg. When it came time to re-bandage, he blocked the area again to prevent me from removing the washcloth or applying the medication. Tomorrow is supposed to be the last hotpacking in mid-afternoon day; I'm thinking maybe we're done as of today.
This all within the space of 45 minutes. And there are three hours between now and bedtime.
When this happens, I start running through the several prior days in my mind, trying to identify a trigger. Is it because we had someone babysit him twice over the weekend -- once with his cousins who have the same color skin as him and whom he adores-- while we spent two and a half hours getting our taxes done, and once with a friend he also adores -- while I enjoyed the opportunity to go to my stepdaughter's school musical without a squirming, bored, question-asking five-year-old sitting next to me? Is it because of daylight saving time? Frankly, I could keel over from tiredness myself right now. Is it because Daddy was gone both Friday night and Saturday night at aforementioned school play? Is it because the sister who was in the play -- and the lead, who garnered rave reviews for her performance -- didn't spend any time with us this weekend or last Tuesday night? Did another child have a meltdown at school? The problem is, any one of these events could cause the return of the grumpies, yet all of them are things we can't avoid. And I'm so tired my patience is thin. I can't think to do work, and I'm supposed to sit here and think of all the various techniques that might work to coax him out of his grumpiness? How am I supposed to parent positively when I can't stand to be around the grumpiness? I just want to hide somewhere until it's bedtime. And of course, what he probably needs is more of me, but probably a more patient me than I'm feeling I can muster up right now.
Ok, game face on.
When I picked T up from school, he got into the van muttering crabbily. I couldn't identify the words. He said he had a good time at school, but when we talked about what 'W' word he came up with today ("window") and I told him that was a great word, he started muttering crabbily again. He got out of the van announcing he wasn't going to shut the door, because I had opened it. That was it; first I made him shut the door ("you were the last one out, and my hands are full"), then I made him tell me why he was so grumpy (or no tv tonight -- I'm tired of the grumpies with no explanation of why we're grumpy. If we're going to be grumpy, we need to use our words to explain why.) He said it's because I got him too early from school and he didn't have enough time to play with his friends. Of course, this morning he didn't want to go to school; he hates school. So it's lose-lose.
We're hotpacking a small skin lesion, and he was completely uncooperative about getting his pants and bandaid off -- he usually tries to beat the microwave timer that goes off one minute and 40 seconds after I put the bean bag in -- today the timer went off, he hadn't even gotten his pants off yet, and he said, "I don't care." He complained about the towel I put on the couch to protect it from the wet washcloth. He gave me a hard time letting me at the area with the washcloth, blocking it with his lower leg. When it came time to re-bandage, he blocked the area again to prevent me from removing the washcloth or applying the medication. Tomorrow is supposed to be the last hotpacking in mid-afternoon day; I'm thinking maybe we're done as of today.
This all within the space of 45 minutes. And there are three hours between now and bedtime.
When this happens, I start running through the several prior days in my mind, trying to identify a trigger. Is it because we had someone babysit him twice over the weekend -- once with his cousins who have the same color skin as him and whom he adores-- while we spent two and a half hours getting our taxes done, and once with a friend he also adores -- while I enjoyed the opportunity to go to my stepdaughter's school musical without a squirming, bored, question-asking five-year-old sitting next to me? Is it because of daylight saving time? Frankly, I could keel over from tiredness myself right now. Is it because Daddy was gone both Friday night and Saturday night at aforementioned school play? Is it because the sister who was in the play -- and the lead, who garnered rave reviews for her performance -- didn't spend any time with us this weekend or last Tuesday night? Did another child have a meltdown at school? The problem is, any one of these events could cause the return of the grumpies, yet all of them are things we can't avoid. And I'm so tired my patience is thin. I can't think to do work, and I'm supposed to sit here and think of all the various techniques that might work to coax him out of his grumpiness? How am I supposed to parent positively when I can't stand to be around the grumpiness? I just want to hide somewhere until it's bedtime. And of course, what he probably needs is more of me, but probably a more patient me than I'm feeling I can muster up right now.
Ok, game face on.
That's right. Get your game face on. All those things you mentioned may have been a trigger, or none of them. A 5 year old likely wouldn't be able to identify it for you either.
ReplyDeleteI was a special ed. teacher for 10 years and saw a lot of "grumpies." But you put your game face on and try your best. Patience, deep breaths, and maybe a little wine...It sounds like you are doing a great job.
When Elfe gets grumpy, it sometimes works to amp up the grumpiness instead of trying to coax her out of it. Let's both be grumpy, as grumpy as we can! And then we stomp, and holler, and punch pillows, and make grumpy faces, and get as hugely grumpy as we can possibly stand... and then it's over. Makes me feel better too!
ReplyDeleteLiz, I do that too. "You need to make a grumpier noise than that!" Or, "It's time to brush your teeth, and you need to STOMP all the way down the hall to the bathroom." And things like that. He has to comply with me then in order to act grumpy, and he doesn't want to do that, that's for sure! Like everything, it works sometimes. Last night I finally said, "One more grumpy noise and you don't watch TV tonight." He was in a very happy mood after that. Go figure. I know he's stuck in the anger phase of grieving; I just don't know how to unstick him. I'll think we're making progress and then....backslide.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely the time change - my kids were all all over the place this week especially Monday and Tuesday. Some were fine for a day or even two, but then it hit them later. Today we finally seem to be back to normal.
ReplyDelete