On the Plus Side -- What a Kid!

 Happy Teshalie!

I've had a couple of venting posts recently, and got to thinking that even though we still have rough days/hours/events, we've made a lot of progress, and I should post about that.

• T wore one of his various (he has four now) winter jackets all winter long. As opposed to last winter when he refused for two weeks? Three weeks? A month? It was a long time during a cold, snowy upstate New York winter.

• I took him to his last dentist appointment by myself. He was a little dysregulated, but not beyond my ability to handle. W didn't need to bring in Daddy to be the Big Gun.
  
• He refused to let the nurse swab his throat when we took him in to check for strep last month. But after she left the room, we talked, and I allowed him to tell me why he wasn't cooperating. He said it doesn't feel good. I validated his feelings, gave him lots of hugs, assured him he could do it, and when the doctor came in, he let her swab. Sometimes it just takes letting him express what he's feeling as opposed to everyone telling him what he should do and why.
• That day and the day he had to have a nasal swab -- even worse than a throat culture -- he willingly put his clothes back on and walked cooperatively back out to the car. No temper tantrums, throwing of clothes, attacking Mommy, or throwing lollipops into the ventilation system of the car.
  
• When we are in parking lots, he stops, holds up his hand to mine, and waits until I have his hand in mine before starting to walk. No more parking lot battles!
  
• We went to a huge road race recently. We met friends, strangers to him, inside the packed arena where the food and water were located. They tried to make friends with him. He started to get the dysregulated look on his face, but after about 10 minutes snapped out of it and had a blast playing with the other kids. It probably helped that they engaged him by challenging him to race. This kid still loves to run.
• The first two times out skiing, I got a lot of dysregulated behavior. Backtalk, refusing to comply with instructions, complaining, and general grumpiness. The third time out, I talked to him beforehand and told him I would need him to listen to me, not be grumpy, and follow instructions. Skiing is too dangerous for a kid to decide he's not going to listen. I told him he could go if he would agree to that. He agreed, and we had a ton of fun. We did the same his fourth time out, with Daddy, and Daddy had to agree that his behavior was much improved.
  
• Speaking of running and skiing, T loves to do all the things we enjoy. He's a trooper about running, hiking, skiing, biking, swimming, and snowshoeing. He wants to climb a big mountain this summer. I wish we could get up to Cascade in the Adirondack High Peaks, but might need to settle for something in the Lake George area. We are lucky to have brought into our family a child who is so into what we're into. We kept saying, "We hope we get a child who likes to run." We certainly got that, and more!
  
• He came home with us a little over a year ago knowing only a couple of words of English. Now he is beginning to read. As in figuring out that the letter 'F' added to the letters 'AT' makes the word 'FAT.' That one he found easy. 'M' was a difficult one. When we do it the other way around, as in "show me which letter will make the word 'SAT'", he scores 100 percent.
  
• He's improved immensely in his ability to play games without getting grumpy or trying to rig the outcome. He's handling the disappointment of losing, and actually gets sad for me when I lose.
• I think I could probably get him through a doctor appointment on my own. That would be a huge step. I'm not anxious for him to get sick again soon to test my theory, but if we need to go, I just may give it a try.
  
• We went shopping at a big box store recently, something that used to totally wig him out if it was just him and me. We went through the store, picked up what we needed, checked out, and got back into the car, all without any dsyregulation. It's hard to explain, but in previous shopping expeditions, his face has changed as soon as we have gotten to the store doors. It's like a different set of brain circuitry has switched on. He looks and acts out of control. He's defiant and grumpy. How nice that this time we just went in and did our shopping like a typical Mom and kid. Except he behaved better than most kids I see in these stores. He didn't beg for something for himself. He kept pointing out things to get Daddy for his birthday that I decided against, and when I said for example that no, Daddy didn't need more jammie pants, he was ok with that. No whining, no grumpies, just ok, and willingly moving on with me. He was pretty much happy and smiling through the whole trip. A pleasure to be with, quite frankly. I wish he were here right now for me to hug and kiss, thinking back on it.
• The other night, when he was so grumpy, out of desperation I finally said, "One more grumpy noise and you don't watch TV. He was a completely happy kid after that. I wish it were always that easy.
• He's crying more often these days. That might not wound like a plus, but we've worked really hard on naming emotions so he doesn't go straight to anger for every thing. So for instance, yesterday when he decided he did want his leg hot-packed and I said, "No, we're done with that," he burst into disappointed tears. Disappointed -- not angry. It's not so much that he liked having his leg hot-packed as it was that he got to watch TV for 15 minutes or so while it was being treated. When he cries, I can then validate and name his feelings, "I understand you're disappointed, but we're done with the hotpacking. You don't need it any more." When he's angry, there's absolutely no reasoning with him, or helping him understand why it is the way it is.
  
• This is a big one: despite every morning saying he doesn't want to go to school, he actually likes school and does well there. He tries really hard to do what the teachers want him to do. If only we could get that kind of cooperation here, but if he's cooperating in the classroom and doing well playing with his friends, we've dodged a huge bullet. And he's learned so much at school! I feel like all they do is play, but they apparently get enough lesson time in for him to soak it up like a sponge.
  
• Attacking, hitting, kicking, body slamming Mommy -- it's probably been a month since the last incident. I don't even know when he last raised his fist in a threat toward me. He did it to his sister while they played a game over the weekend, and the game got put away for bad sportsmanship. I think that there may be a lot of posturing among the very active group of very boy boys in his class, and he might have thought it would be ok to try that on his sister. I have to say, he's no dummy, and he seems to learn from receiving appropriate consequences. If you can't be nice playing the game, the game gets put away. We're lucky there too, as some children don't respond to consequences. I'm not ready to say we've completely rounded the corner on this one, but the longer we can go between incidents, the more we are on our way to healing, I think.
• A bunch of little things: he no longer flushes the toilet four or five times per need just to watch the water swirl around. He no longer randomly pushes buttons on the TV, undoing all our programming. He no longer puts a half a tube of toothpaste on his toothbrush in an apparent decision that "more is better." He no longer pumps the soap dispenser five or six or more times for one hand-washing -- again a "more is better" philosophy he seems to have gotten over. He no longer pumps an entire handful of lotion into one palm for the purpose of applying lotion to one arm or one leg. He no longer runs the water in the sink for five or ten minutes per hand-washing, just for the fun of watching it run and drain. He no longer puts up serious arguments over taking baths or getting his hair washed. We still do battle over the fingernails, but that's because he wants to be able to use them to punch train tickets, like the conductor on Dinosaur Train. He no longer attempts to root through his sisters' rooms for what cool stuff he can claim for himself. We haven't even locked their doors in maybe 10 months. He no longer tries to eat out of the cat dish or kick the cats' water. Both dishes have been returned to their usual location for, again, maybe 10 months or so. He no longer disappears into a catatonic state when the going gets tough for him. He might not necessarily verbalize what he's thinking, but he's present, and sometimes I can even coax him into telling me what's going through his mind.
  
• T is an amazing child who has added to our lives immeasurably. Despite all we've been through, I have to say he's adorable, lovable, and a joy in our lives, even if sometimes I myself get a little grumpy. He even made it into his sister's bio in her playbill: "She wants to thank ...my brother for making me happier...." People say he is lucky to have us. No, we are lucky to have him. I know one day his determination and strong will will pay off -- and I see that they already have when I look back on how far he has come in one short year. To lose everything and everyone you have ever known and loved and bounce back to love again, albeit with setbacks, is an amazing feat. I'm not sure I could show such resilience. As I've said before: What a kid!