Adopting the Older Child - Part I

I've always said that it's good that they're cute when they're asleep!

The question along the lines of "We're considering adopting an older child (typically the ages 3 - 5 are mentioned) and wonder what we should be aware of" comes up at least twice a month on an Ethiopian adoption list serv I'm on. I've been answering this question on a case by case basis, and have decided it would be much more efficient to be able to refer people to my blog. There is so much to consider and so much to be aware of that I'm not even going to attempt to write it all down in one posting. If I were to do my "words" postings again, I would do them one word at at time -- easier for me to write and get posted and much easier for people to read.

My first thought on older child adoption is "be prepared," which is kind of a loaded two word phrase. Mainly, I would advise that all adoptive parents should be prepared for the fact that any child who is not adopted as a newborn is, with rare exception, going to suffer some form of developmental trauma. The conventional wisdom is that kids are resilient and can easily recover from traumatic events, but the reality is that traumatic events cause changes to the neurological pathways in a small child's brain -- a brain that is in the process of developing.

Developmental trauma disorder is not yet recognized by the American Psychiatric Association, but it is well known by parents who have adopted older children. Whether a child's trauma will have progressed to the "disorder" stage or will be more to the "issue" end of the spectrum probably depends on the amount of trauma the child has endured and the child's own personality. Certainly, just as with adults, some children bounce back more easily from setbacks than others. Here's my caution to all prospective adoptive parents: Don't count on yours being the one who bounces back.

By the time your child goes home with you, you will be his or her third or fourth or fifth placement. Think about whether you would be willing to adopt a child from the US foster care system who was on his/her fourth or fifth placement. If your child lost birthparents, but was taken in by family, then relinquished by that family for adoption, placed in a government run orphanage for three or four months, and then transferred to your agency's orphanage for another month or two -- by the time they come to you, you are family number five. Think about the losses they have been through, and how that will be coloring their world.

Children who experience this before the age of two may not remember enough of it to be too traumatized if they were always cared for lovingly. But children who are 3 - 5 will have strong memories -- perhaps not accurate memories, but strong memories -- with little comprehension of what is happening to them. They grasp on to whatever strategies they find useful to survive: Fight, flight, or freeze.

Fight, flight, or freeze are topics for another day. What I want to leave prospective adoptive parents with is that despite my cautions, I would still encourage people to consider adopting the older child. They are a joy and they need forever families and they will enrich your lives beyond what you could possibly realize. But be prepared for a lot of work. Be prepared to not be prepared. Be prepared to live on a roller coaster. Be prepared that happily ever after will be your job to make happen, and will not happen without your effort -- your strong, day after day after day effort.