Running for my Life
The New York State Senate passed a no-fault divorce bill on recently, moving the Empire State within reach of aligning with the other 49 states in this country. The bill needs to pass the Assembly before reaching the governor's desk. I've been working for many years to try to bring this about. While I have some misgivings about this particular bill, I'm hopeful that something is better than the current antiquated system that allows one spouse to hold another hostage to an unhappy and unhealthy marriage. While this may seem to be off-topic in regards to my adoption journey, the road I have traveled has been part of this journey
In pursuit of a more just and humane divorce system, I have testified before several different audiences -- including the New York State Women's Bar Association, the New York State Bar Association, members of the New York State Legislature, and on national television on Fox's Morning Show with Mike and Juliet -- over the past three or four years. Following is my testimony, which I am posting in an attempt to continue to spread the word of the need for divorce reform to become a reality in this state, the only state in the Union that doesn't have no-fault divorce.
"I want to preface my remarks today by addressing the assertion that we need fault-based divorce because when a man wants out of a marriage, the woman needs a bargaining chip that says, 'If you want to leave me, you need to take care of the children and you need to take care of me.' There are already laws in place that address these issues -- equitable distribution, child support guidelines, and allowances for awarding of spousal maintenance as deemed necessary or fair by the courts. I contend that what fault-based divorce provides is not a bargaining chip, but a blackmail chip, chaining one spouse to another indefinitely as long as he or she is being unreasonable and vindictive. When women need to leave an abusive marriage, we don't need a bargaining chip; we need a "get out of jail free" card.
I cannot state emphatically enough that no-fault divorce must be enacted int he state of New York. I hope that as a result of what you learn today, no man or woman ever again has to endure the hardships I did in ending my marriage. First. of all, imagine being the woman who has to sue for fault-based divorce against her husband who stated many times that Nicole Brown Simpson got what she deserved. No woman should ever have to be put in that position, yet that is what the state of New York did to me.
As I talked to friends and colleagues about where and why I was testifying, many were shocked to learn that there is no no-fault divorce in New York; others asked why no-fault would be important. Had I not gone through divorce proceeding in this state, I might be asking the same questions. Unfortunately, I know only too well from traumatic personal experience that in this state if one party chooses not to cooperate during divorce proceedings, there is no divorce except on grounds, and proving fault isn't in the hands of the person seeking to be free of a miserable marriage, but rather in the hands of her attorneys, the judge, and the courts in general. When one's attorney-- after being intimidated by veiled threats against his family by one's estranged husband-- says 'Well, maybe you're just going to have to stay married to him indefinitely -- just go and live your life as if you're not married,' you know there is something terribly wrong with the system and the law.
Giving one's life over to others and hoping that the outcome will not continue to bind you to a manipulative, controlling, and emotionally abusive spouse wreaks emotional and financial havoc. In my case, I found that the trauma continued for years after my marriage was finally dissolved in Vermont in 2000. Night after night I dreamed that he was in my house and I couldn't get him to leave, or that I was trying to run away or hide, but he kept finding me.
Filing a legal separation and then obtaining a divorce a year later, if all the conditions have been met, requires that the parties come to an agreement on all terms. This system is a set-up for bullying and financial and emotional blackmail by an unreasonable spouse who wants to prevent his or her partner from obtaining a divorce. This does not necessarily mean that both parties wish to remain married. Indeed, my estranged husband was living with another woman at the time he informed my attorney that he wanted to prevent me from obtaining a divorce, So, it simply means that the one who least wants to be married is held hostage to the demands of the other.
I ask you, how can a fair and equitable agreement be drawn up if the husband, who is healthy and perfectly capable of working, demands half of the wife's gross salary for spousal maintenance so he doesn't have to go out and get a job? When he thinks that then offering, with a snide smirk, to take only half of the take-home pay is good-faith negotiation and a reasonable offer? No agreement -- no divorce. He was in my house, and I couldn't make him leave.
Even if that ridiculous term could have been met, how does one manage to end her marriage when her estranged husband also demands visitation with her sister's children? When he demands that a judgment that he obtained against a third party be satisfied before a divorce be entered into? When he demands payment of half of the $40,000 in credit card debt he accumulated after the separation by stubbornly refusing to work for a living? When he demands the return of a cat who he had repeatedly threatened to harm? When he demands an interest in a vacation home one's parents own?
These are only select examples from a list of terms I was presented. It was not an effort at good-faith negotiation -- it was a list of insurmountable demands to keep him in control, to allow him to continue at his efforts to manipulate and emotionally batter me. I was running for my life, but he kept finding me.
It seems incredible that two people with no children, no assets, and no property could be legally bound to each other indefinitely simply because one of them is uncooperative to the point of being ludicrous. How does someone drawing a salary of less than $30,000 a year working in public radio pay half of that in spousal support while also paying off $20,000 of her husband's independently acquired debt? If I'd had the money, trust me, I would have gladly turned it over just to be free. But what happens when one doesn't have it? How does one obtain a divorce when one cannot do what one's spouse is demanding? I wanted him out of my house, but I couldn't make him leave.
This is why no-fault divorce is critically needed in our state. The most beautiful words I have ever heard were spoken by my attorney in Vermont: 'This is Vermont, and Vermont is a no-fault state. If Karen wants a divorce, there is nothing you can do to prevent it.' I was running for my life, and finally he wasn't going to be able to catch me.
I was one of the lucky ones. I had the education, the job experience, and the family ties to begin life in another state, and then file for divorce under their provision of living separately and apart -- and I didn't have children to leave behind while I escaped my husband's noose. Remarkably, the weekend after my case was dismissed in New York -- because my attorney was too frightened to present my case in court and the judge wouldn't allow a postponement for me to find a new lawyer, I saw an ad in the Albany Times Union for a fund raising position in public broadcasting -- which was my profession -- in the Capital District, which is within driving distance of Vermont. Even more remarkably, I actually got the job. And I had the unfortunate "luck" of having my father pass away during all of this, leaving an insurance policy that he instructed my mother to sue to "make sure Karen gets her divorce."
I was able to do in Vermont what I couldn't do in New York: obtain a no-fault divorce free of manipulation, harassment, threats, and intimidation. I would gladly help any man or woman seeking to go that route if my guidance and knowledge of Vermont's laws would help them escape a miserable existence with a controlling and uncooperative spouse. But I would rather it not have to be that way. I would rather that people who live here in New York State be able to work within New York's system and not have to disrupt their jobs, friendships, and families by moving out of state. I would rather that women and men be able to divorce their unreasonable and uncooperative partners here in a legal and rational process in which bullying and financial and emotional blackmail don't play a role.
I would rather that, if mediation, negotiation, and collaborative efforts fail due to one person's desperate attempt to maintain control over the other, that the divorce can still move forward, and the spouse seeking to escape such a person is not deprived in this state of her right to live free.
As I have prepared for this presentation, I have had to relive what I frankly would rather leave in the distant past. But going through this is worth it if what I have to say can help to make New York's divorce laws more rational and more humane, and prevent anyone else from having to live through what I lived through.
So thank you for listening to my story."
In pursuit of a more just and humane divorce system, I have testified before several different audiences -- including the New York State Women's Bar Association, the New York State Bar Association, members of the New York State Legislature, and on national television on Fox's Morning Show with Mike and Juliet -- over the past three or four years. Following is my testimony, which I am posting in an attempt to continue to spread the word of the need for divorce reform to become a reality in this state, the only state in the Union that doesn't have no-fault divorce.
"I want to preface my remarks today by addressing the assertion that we need fault-based divorce because when a man wants out of a marriage, the woman needs a bargaining chip that says, 'If you want to leave me, you need to take care of the children and you need to take care of me.' There are already laws in place that address these issues -- equitable distribution, child support guidelines, and allowances for awarding of spousal maintenance as deemed necessary or fair by the courts. I contend that what fault-based divorce provides is not a bargaining chip, but a blackmail chip, chaining one spouse to another indefinitely as long as he or she is being unreasonable and vindictive. When women need to leave an abusive marriage, we don't need a bargaining chip; we need a "get out of jail free" card.
I cannot state emphatically enough that no-fault divorce must be enacted int he state of New York. I hope that as a result of what you learn today, no man or woman ever again has to endure the hardships I did in ending my marriage. First. of all, imagine being the woman who has to sue for fault-based divorce against her husband who stated many times that Nicole Brown Simpson got what she deserved. No woman should ever have to be put in that position, yet that is what the state of New York did to me.
As I talked to friends and colleagues about where and why I was testifying, many were shocked to learn that there is no no-fault divorce in New York; others asked why no-fault would be important. Had I not gone through divorce proceeding in this state, I might be asking the same questions. Unfortunately, I know only too well from traumatic personal experience that in this state if one party chooses not to cooperate during divorce proceedings, there is no divorce except on grounds, and proving fault isn't in the hands of the person seeking to be free of a miserable marriage, but rather in the hands of her attorneys, the judge, and the courts in general. When one's attorney-- after being intimidated by veiled threats against his family by one's estranged husband-- says 'Well, maybe you're just going to have to stay married to him indefinitely -- just go and live your life as if you're not married,' you know there is something terribly wrong with the system and the law.
Giving one's life over to others and hoping that the outcome will not continue to bind you to a manipulative, controlling, and emotionally abusive spouse wreaks emotional and financial havoc. In my case, I found that the trauma continued for years after my marriage was finally dissolved in Vermont in 2000. Night after night I dreamed that he was in my house and I couldn't get him to leave, or that I was trying to run away or hide, but he kept finding me.
Filing a legal separation and then obtaining a divorce a year later, if all the conditions have been met, requires that the parties come to an agreement on all terms. This system is a set-up for bullying and financial and emotional blackmail by an unreasonable spouse who wants to prevent his or her partner from obtaining a divorce. This does not necessarily mean that both parties wish to remain married. Indeed, my estranged husband was living with another woman at the time he informed my attorney that he wanted to prevent me from obtaining a divorce, So, it simply means that the one who least wants to be married is held hostage to the demands of the other.
I ask you, how can a fair and equitable agreement be drawn up if the husband, who is healthy and perfectly capable of working, demands half of the wife's gross salary for spousal maintenance so he doesn't have to go out and get a job? When he thinks that then offering, with a snide smirk, to take only half of the take-home pay is good-faith negotiation and a reasonable offer? No agreement -- no divorce. He was in my house, and I couldn't make him leave.
Even if that ridiculous term could have been met, how does one manage to end her marriage when her estranged husband also demands visitation with her sister's children? When he demands that a judgment that he obtained against a third party be satisfied before a divorce be entered into? When he demands payment of half of the $40,000 in credit card debt he accumulated after the separation by stubbornly refusing to work for a living? When he demands the return of a cat who he had repeatedly threatened to harm? When he demands an interest in a vacation home one's parents own?
These are only select examples from a list of terms I was presented. It was not an effort at good-faith negotiation -- it was a list of insurmountable demands to keep him in control, to allow him to continue at his efforts to manipulate and emotionally batter me. I was running for my life, but he kept finding me.
It seems incredible that two people with no children, no assets, and no property could be legally bound to each other indefinitely simply because one of them is uncooperative to the point of being ludicrous. How does someone drawing a salary of less than $30,000 a year working in public radio pay half of that in spousal support while also paying off $20,000 of her husband's independently acquired debt? If I'd had the money, trust me, I would have gladly turned it over just to be free. But what happens when one doesn't have it? How does one obtain a divorce when one cannot do what one's spouse is demanding? I wanted him out of my house, but I couldn't make him leave.
This is why no-fault divorce is critically needed in our state. The most beautiful words I have ever heard were spoken by my attorney in Vermont: 'This is Vermont, and Vermont is a no-fault state. If Karen wants a divorce, there is nothing you can do to prevent it.' I was running for my life, and finally he wasn't going to be able to catch me.
I was one of the lucky ones. I had the education, the job experience, and the family ties to begin life in another state, and then file for divorce under their provision of living separately and apart -- and I didn't have children to leave behind while I escaped my husband's noose. Remarkably, the weekend after my case was dismissed in New York -- because my attorney was too frightened to present my case in court and the judge wouldn't allow a postponement for me to find a new lawyer, I saw an ad in the Albany Times Union for a fund raising position in public broadcasting -- which was my profession -- in the Capital District, which is within driving distance of Vermont. Even more remarkably, I actually got the job. And I had the unfortunate "luck" of having my father pass away during all of this, leaving an insurance policy that he instructed my mother to sue to "make sure Karen gets her divorce."
I was able to do in Vermont what I couldn't do in New York: obtain a no-fault divorce free of manipulation, harassment, threats, and intimidation. I would gladly help any man or woman seeking to go that route if my guidance and knowledge of Vermont's laws would help them escape a miserable existence with a controlling and uncooperative spouse. But I would rather it not have to be that way. I would rather that people who live here in New York State be able to work within New York's system and not have to disrupt their jobs, friendships, and families by moving out of state. I would rather that women and men be able to divorce their unreasonable and uncooperative partners here in a legal and rational process in which bullying and financial and emotional blackmail don't play a role.
I would rather that, if mediation, negotiation, and collaborative efforts fail due to one person's desperate attempt to maintain control over the other, that the divorce can still move forward, and the spouse seeking to escape such a person is not deprived in this state of her right to live free.
As I have prepared for this presentation, I have had to relive what I frankly would rather leave in the distant past. But going through this is worth it if what I have to say can help to make New York's divorce laws more rational and more humane, and prevent anyone else from having to live through what I lived through.
So thank you for listening to my story."
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