Karen's Journey

As I drove to daycare to pick up T on Tuesday, I felt a pit of dread in my stomach. We'd had such a horrible day on Monday. The constant testing, testing, testing and defiance, defiance, defiance had become out of control, culminating in us landing in bed together (time-in) at 8:00, a half hour early, after the last-straw-for-Mommy act of defiance. No tv, no book. We did not pass go, and we did not collect 200 dollars. All my usual tactics to try to deal with his dsyregulated behavior haven't been working -- he's actually on to the techniques and tells me "Stop it. Why you always saying that?" when I try to express empathy or offer choices, or any of the many other tricks I have in my attachment bag. So this video has really resonated with me. Driving to daycare that afternoon I thought, "People always say, 'Oh, my child does that too. It's typical.' But really? Do other parents dread picking their children up from daycare? Do they wonder, ...

I've spent years filling out endless forms for innumerable government agencies and departments -- and have more forms to fill out and more fees to pay. Been fingerprinted and background checked in two states and by the FBI. I've traveled 14,000 miles round trip to a land that is as different from here as night as from day, endured jet lag coming and going, been stranded in DC trying to get home with a frightened child who'd been stuffed on a plane with complete strangers -- for reasons he doesn't even begin to understand and we're not totally sure of either. I've slept with a little boy curled up next to me, and held him while doctors poked him with painful needles. I've held him tight while he rages, waiting for his quiet body to tell his brain to be calm too. I've witnessed the miracle of the first time he understood that if he cried, someone would actually kiss his boo boo, and been part of the continuing attachment miracle as he has lea...