Dysregulation Is...
Dysregulation is:
Walking in repetitive circles (it used to be spinning in place).
The Popeye face.
That Look in his eyes. No one else sees it, but it screams "Brain out of control," to me.
Running away from Mommy hugs.
Deliberately showing affection appropriate for Mommy to the bigger-than-Mommy sisters.
Refusing to say "I love you" as he leaves for school and then asking when he gets home if that hurt my feelings.
Disrespectful talk -- such as placing three (count 'em, three) water bottles on the counter and saying, "Happy washing," as he walks away.
Calling me by my given name instead of "Mom" or "Mommy."
Wanting to write Daddy's given name on his Father's Day card instead of "Dad" or "Daddy."
Asking nonsense questions like, "Can I go wading in that swamp?" and then following up my "No" answer with an even more nonsensical, "Why?" Note: he's not really looking for an answer; he's looking to start an argument.
Yelling a demanding, "MOM!" at the top of his lungs if I don't answer his most recent question within a nanosecond, regardless of what I am doing -- trying to pay for something at the store, considering his request, trying to back into a parking spot, or dealing with a difficult traffic situation -- any situation in which I am momentarily distracted.
Starting a new question before even finishing asking his first question.
Refusing to eat breakfast/lunch/dinner even though he recently (as in minutes before) was begging for a snack because he was "starving."
Turning grumpy for the day within two minutes of waking up. No improvement of the mood throughout the entire day.
Asking if he gets presents for Father's Day and then following up with a "why?" We go through this every year. He knows the answer and he knows the why.
Looking at me and, for no reason, laughing an "My brain is out of control" laugh.
Undesirable behavior morphing as he gets older, keeping us on our toes to recognize it and recognize that it's dyregulation in a new form.
Dysregulation is because:
We are going to Auntie Nonz house for a cookout for Father's Day.
Father's Day. Which means presents. And even if he's not the one getting presents, the giving/getting of presents is too much to handle. Too much excitement; too much anticipation.
School is drawing to a close.
There will be water carnivals and pizza parties and fun days this week.
The last two days will be half days.
On the last day we are jumping in the car and driving to New England for his cousins' wedding (ok, cousin and cousin-in-law, but he doesn't distinguish in terms of loving them both dearly).
And he is the ring bearer.
And the day after the wedding we are jumping in the car and driving on to our usual family beach gathering at the beach house. Which he loves and is usually calming once he's there, but the lead up and letdown are just tough.
His last soccer game for the season was on Saturday.
School is ending. And there will be water carnivals and pizza parties and fun days this week. Did I say that already?
We found what we hope is a forever home for the cat who decided to live under our back steps during the winter and who we rescued and were fostering and we loved but could not keep because we already have six (SIX!) and this one wanted to kill our Dickens. Not just fun chasing and pouncing, but full on "You are another male in my territory and I want to kill you" relentless attacking. But the kitty who met him at the top of the stairs every night when he want to take a shower went away this weekend. Like he did once.
Dysregulation parenting is:
Really hard.
Remembering there are reasons rooted in trauma and grief and fear for the acting out behavior.
Not chasing after affection. If he runs away from a hug or refuses to say "I love you," act like I don't care. He'll come back. Chasing him for it makes him feel powerful, and if he feels powerful, he feels like I'm weak, and if I'm weak, then he's not safe.
Not getting into verbal arguments. See the rationale in the statement above.
Taking a walking in circles boy and giving him a long, strong hug to stop the circling.
And if the circle-walking continues, having him sit down and breathe.
Being very mindful of screen time and severely limiting it.
Letting go of the idea of a perfectly neat house and kept yard (sorry neighbors) and reading more books and playing more games.
Being mindful of needing to parent therapeutically.
Remembering to parent from the whole brain.
Walking away to recoup if the lower brain is trying to take over the whole brain.
Not getting worked up over eating or not eating. Other than junk food. Goldfish crackers, even the whole grain type, do not take place over wholesome food.
Being mindful that this behavior is trauma-based. And trying to react accordingly.
Trying very hard not to yell.
Drawing him into our activities if there are things we absolutely HAVE to get done.
When he finally shows up for his hug, giving him a really long, strong hug. And a kiss. And an "I love you."
Acknowledging his feelings, even if he is unwilling to admit to them.
Reassurances that we are not allowed to give him away, ever.
Beating yourself up for not doing it well enough.
Repeat all of the above. Especially the one immediately above.
Walking in repetitive circles (it used to be spinning in place).
The Popeye face.
That Look in his eyes. No one else sees it, but it screams "Brain out of control," to me.
Running away from Mommy hugs.
Deliberately showing affection appropriate for Mommy to the bigger-than-Mommy sisters.
Refusing to say "I love you" as he leaves for school and then asking when he gets home if that hurt my feelings.
Disrespectful talk -- such as placing three (count 'em, three) water bottles on the counter and saying, "Happy washing," as he walks away.
Calling me by my given name instead of "Mom" or "Mommy."
Wanting to write Daddy's given name on his Father's Day card instead of "Dad" or "Daddy."
Asking nonsense questions like, "Can I go wading in that swamp?" and then following up my "No" answer with an even more nonsensical, "Why?" Note: he's not really looking for an answer; he's looking to start an argument.
Yelling a demanding, "MOM!" at the top of his lungs if I don't answer his most recent question within a nanosecond, regardless of what I am doing -- trying to pay for something at the store, considering his request, trying to back into a parking spot, or dealing with a difficult traffic situation -- any situation in which I am momentarily distracted.
Starting a new question before even finishing asking his first question.
Refusing to eat breakfast/lunch/dinner even though he recently (as in minutes before) was begging for a snack because he was "starving."
Turning grumpy for the day within two minutes of waking up. No improvement of the mood throughout the entire day.
Asking if he gets presents for Father's Day and then following up with a "why?" We go through this every year. He knows the answer and he knows the why.
Looking at me and, for no reason, laughing an "My brain is out of control" laugh.
Undesirable behavior morphing as he gets older, keeping us on our toes to recognize it and recognize that it's dyregulation in a new form.
Dysregulation is because:
We are going to Auntie Nonz house for a cookout for Father's Day.
Father's Day. Which means presents. And even if he's not the one getting presents, the giving/getting of presents is too much to handle. Too much excitement; too much anticipation.
School is drawing to a close.
There will be water carnivals and pizza parties and fun days this week.
The last two days will be half days.
On the last day we are jumping in the car and driving to New England for his cousins' wedding (ok, cousin and cousin-in-law, but he doesn't distinguish in terms of loving them both dearly).
And he is the ring bearer.
And the day after the wedding we are jumping in the car and driving on to our usual family beach gathering at the beach house. Which he loves and is usually calming once he's there, but the lead up and letdown are just tough.
His last soccer game for the season was on Saturday.
School is ending. And there will be water carnivals and pizza parties and fun days this week. Did I say that already?
We found what we hope is a forever home for the cat who decided to live under our back steps during the winter and who we rescued and were fostering and we loved but could not keep because we already have six (SIX!) and this one wanted to kill our Dickens. Not just fun chasing and pouncing, but full on "You are another male in my territory and I want to kill you" relentless attacking. But the kitty who met him at the top of the stairs every night when he want to take a shower went away this weekend. Like he did once.
Dysregulation parenting is:
Really hard.
Remembering there are reasons rooted in trauma and grief and fear for the acting out behavior.
Not chasing after affection. If he runs away from a hug or refuses to say "I love you," act like I don't care. He'll come back. Chasing him for it makes him feel powerful, and if he feels powerful, he feels like I'm weak, and if I'm weak, then he's not safe.
Not getting into verbal arguments. See the rationale in the statement above.
Taking a walking in circles boy and giving him a long, strong hug to stop the circling.
And if the circle-walking continues, having him sit down and breathe.
Being very mindful of screen time and severely limiting it.
Letting go of the idea of a perfectly neat house and kept yard (sorry neighbors) and reading more books and playing more games.
Being mindful of needing to parent therapeutically.
Remembering to parent from the whole brain.
Walking away to recoup if the lower brain is trying to take over the whole brain.
Not getting worked up over eating or not eating. Other than junk food. Goldfish crackers, even the whole grain type, do not take place over wholesome food.
Being mindful that this behavior is trauma-based. And trying to react accordingly.
Trying very hard not to yell.
Drawing him into our activities if there are things we absolutely HAVE to get done.
When he finally shows up for his hug, giving him a really long, strong hug. And a kiss. And an "I love you."
Acknowledging his feelings, even if he is unwilling to admit to them.
Reassurances that we are not allowed to give him away, ever.
Beating yourself up for not doing it well enough.
Repeat all of the above. Especially the one immediately above.
Yes, yes and yes. The constant repetitive questioning of everything, the disputing everything, the constant attempts to prove mommy was wrong about something. Seriously. Today I mentioned it was 5:00 pm and he began shouting 'No it's 8:00 pm, you are wrong.' No, he can't tell time. The words mean nothing unless you add in what it is time to do. It's really hard not to join the dysregulation some days.
ReplyDeleteI got exhausted less than a quarter ways down. Every kid is different in his/her dysregulation spiral, but kudos to you cuz man you are on top of it with T. I hope things settle down once you get through the week and settle into your beach house get-a-way.
ReplyDeleteSo hard to do. I look at your parenting list and say "YES - I do that." But, in reality, I do none of them as much as I should. I forget a lot. I guess that's where the beating yourself up comes in, huh?
ReplyDelete