Adopting the Older Child: Developmental Trauma Video
As I drove to daycare to pick up T on Tuesday, I felt a pit of dread in my stomach. We'd had such a horrible day on Monday. The constant testing, testing, testing and defiance, defiance, defiance had become out of control, culminating in us landing in bed together (time-in) at 8:00, a half hour early, after the last-straw-for-Mommy act of defiance. No tv, no book. We did not pass go, and we did not collect 200 dollars.
All my usual tactics to try to deal with his dsyregulated behavior haven't been working -- he's actually on to the techniques and tells me "Stop it. Why you always saying that?" when I try to express empathy or offer choices, or any of the many other tricks I have in my attachment bag. So this video has really resonated with me.
Driving to daycare that afternoon I thought, "People always say, 'Oh, my child does that too. It's typical.' But really? Do other parents dread picking their children up from daycare? Do they wonder, 'How bad is it going to be tonight?' while stopped at the traffic light?" I waited so long to be a mother and ended up with a child who pushes me away, pushes me away, pushes me away. I know none of this is his fault, and I shouldn't make it about me, but when do I get to have a child who WANTS me to be his mommy?
Video link:
Childhood Trauma and Attachment Disorder
Some quotes in particular from this video that I can very much relate to:
"We will never likely know his full truth"
"We did not expect that this would be our daily reality."
"He uses all of his basic survival intelligence to control an outside world he doesn't feel he can trust." (my emphasis -- this is where the constant testing and defiance comes from)
"...uneasy calms between storms."
"...nervous about his next reaction."
"Those who don't need to get as close -- teachers, relatives, neighbors, etc. -- won't experience the full intensity of these primal defenses."
The one bit of grace I find in all this is that he NEEDS me, more than he can possibly understand. And if I can help him through his fire to a place where he's content and realizes his full potential, then this journey will have been well worth the struggle. Until/if then, my patience is constantly tested -- beyond what is "typical." And, sometimes, that's just really difficult.
The full printed letter can be found on this website
All my usual tactics to try to deal with his dsyregulated behavior haven't been working -- he's actually on to the techniques and tells me "Stop it. Why you always saying that?" when I try to express empathy or offer choices, or any of the many other tricks I have in my attachment bag. So this video has really resonated with me.
Driving to daycare that afternoon I thought, "People always say, 'Oh, my child does that too. It's typical.' But really? Do other parents dread picking their children up from daycare? Do they wonder, 'How bad is it going to be tonight?' while stopped at the traffic light?" I waited so long to be a mother and ended up with a child who pushes me away, pushes me away, pushes me away. I know none of this is his fault, and I shouldn't make it about me, but when do I get to have a child who WANTS me to be his mommy?
Video link:
Childhood Trauma and Attachment Disorder
Some quotes in particular from this video that I can very much relate to:
"We will never likely know his full truth"
"We did not expect that this would be our daily reality."
"He uses all of his basic survival intelligence to control an outside world he doesn't feel he can trust." (my emphasis -- this is where the constant testing and defiance comes from)
"...uneasy calms between storms."
"...nervous about his next reaction."
"Those who don't need to get as close -- teachers, relatives, neighbors, etc. -- won't experience the full intensity of these primal defenses."
The one bit of grace I find in all this is that he NEEDS me, more than he can possibly understand. And if I can help him through his fire to a place where he's content and realizes his full potential, then this journey will have been well worth the struggle. Until/if then, my patience is constantly tested -- beyond what is "typical." And, sometimes, that's just really difficult.
The full printed letter can be found on this website
The people who say 'oh that's typical' drive me demented. NO it's not. You know in your gut what is developmentally typical, regular and what is attachment/ anxiety, etc. stuff. It is draining to have to deal with that attitude on top of everything else.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. The thought that I'm hanging onto lately is this - would the good days (or sometimes hours, moments) be as sweet and joyful if they didn't take so much work to achieve?
And yes, I have had those moments of wishing the daycare day was longer.
I'm so sorry it has been this difficult. No, it's not typical at all. I cannot imagine what I would do if my son started balking at the very attachment stuff I was working so hard to do.
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing so honestly about this stuff. You are not alone in this.