Karen's Journey

I was at the beach this past Friday (the horror!), so didn't have a chance to post a photo. So here is another "raindrops on roses" photo, which may be either late for last Friday, or early for next Friday, depending on how this Friday goes. Enjoy!

Raindrops on roses...

 A portion of T's matchbox car collection, which he would very much like to share with his siblings back in 'topia. We're working on some foamboard cars to send to T's siblings in Ethiopia (since we can't send matchbox cars). He wanted to write his sister's name on the back of hers. Me: They won't be able to read English. T: Why not? Me: Because they don't speak English. Did you speak English when you were there? T: No. Me: Well, that's why. T: But they not need a new mommy and daddy and they learn English like me? Me: No, they don't need a new mommy and daddy. T: Why they not need a new mommy and daddy? I want to say it's because he showed the most promise, but I don't want him to hate school for being the reason he got separated from his family. These are the times that try adoptive mommies' souls. Thankfully some distraction interrupted the conversation. In the meantime, I need to start working on that answer. I w...

I don't know how to state this without perhaps sounding a little odd, but sometimes I have a sixth sense, which ranges from something as inconsequential as having a correct feeling that I will run into someone in particular in the grocery store to things as significant as knowing when people have died. For instance, one December night in 1993, I was writing out Christmas cards. I came to my friend, Martie, in the list and thought, "I should call her." It was a bone deep sense of "I should call her," not a casual thought. I tried to shake it off. "I'll just write the card and call after the holidays." "NO!" said the Voice inside my head, "Call her NOW." Again, I tried to ignore it. "I'm really busy trying to get these cards written. I'll just catch her up with what's been going on in a note in the card." But I couldn't overcome the Voice, and, compelled by it, I picked up the  phone and dialed. W...

As I drove to daycare to pick up T on Tuesday, I felt a pit of dread in my stomach. We'd had such a horrible day on Monday. The constant testing, testing, testing and defiance, defiance, defiance had become out of control, culminating in us landing in bed together (time-in) at 8:00, a half hour early, after the last-straw-for-Mommy act of defiance. No tv, no book. We did not pass go, and we did not collect 200 dollars. All my usual tactics to try to deal with his dsyregulated behavior haven't been working -- he's actually on to the techniques and tells me "Stop it. Why you always saying that?" when I try to express empathy or offer choices, or any of the many other tricks I have in my attachment bag. So this video has really resonated with me. Driving to daycare that afternoon I thought, "People always say, 'Oh, my child does that too. It's typical.' But really? Do other parents dread picking their children up from daycare? Do they wonder, ...

I've spent years filling out endless forms for innumerable government agencies and departments -- and have more forms to fill out and more fees to pay. Been fingerprinted and background checked in two states and by the FBI. I've traveled 14,000 miles round trip to a land that is as different from here as night as from day, endured jet lag coming and going, been stranded in DC trying to get home with a frightened child who'd been stuffed on a plane with complete strangers -- for reasons he doesn't even begin to understand and we're not totally sure of either. I've slept with a little boy curled up next to me, and held him while doctors poked him with painful needles. I've held him tight while he rages, waiting for his quiet body to tell his brain to be calm too. I've witnessed the miracle of the first time he understood that if he cried, someone would actually kiss his boo boo, and been part of the continuing attachment miracle as he has lea...

Taken the morning after our 18" spring snowstorm.